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Originally Posted by Gautam  I don't have a job and she's supporting me, and now we are no longer equal. Now what?
So what do you do when you and your friend are no longer equals? So much so that you are dependent on your friend? How do you win back your place as a friend after all this? |
Equality is a very funny thing. Consider this: I know something you don't. Thus, I have some measure of power over you. But: You know something I don't. Thus, you have some measure of power over me. Are we equal?
The question is, to me, nonsensical.
Consider any cross-class friendship in the days when we weren't all middle-class (well, that might not be true in India). Obviously, there's going to be a lot of friction in this relationship, because the cultural norms say you can't be equal. But when this kind of thing happens with kids, you notice that a lot of them will completely ignore such boundaries. Why? Because those boundaries are irrelevant to them.
Equality is a perception, not a fact. If both people in the friendship agree that they are equal, then they are. You can have a friendship with the most staggeringly skewed power imbalance, and yet maintain equality, because that power imbalance is irrelevant to the friendship. This is why there's no one-size-fits-all to equality in a friendship; it's different between different people.
If one person doesn't feel it's equal, then it's not. To regain equality, as you know, you have to do something about it yourself.
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Originally Posted by Gautam The way I look at it, there is only one way to repair this friendship. That is for me to become self-supporting. But even if I do it, things will never be the same again. Like the incredible joy we used to get when we'd meet once in a year. In this present case, she's the one who's on her way to greater things in life, while I'm being that boulder that holds her back. |
Things are never the same; that's life. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse. Your friend has done you a wonderful turn, and her generosity is admirable. Do your best to get back onto your own feet. Once you're there, then you need to consider your own self-regard. You must believe yourself worthy of being her friend. You did before; you can again.
Because it seems to be money that has caused the perceived inequality, money may also be the way back. Be the one who treats the other to dinner every now and then. Buy her gifts for whatever occasions. They don't have to be lavish; just honest. Understand that you're doing it in part for yourself: to build
your self-esteem; explain it to her, if need be. If it
doesn't help you feel more equal, stop. The goal is to pay back the debt that you believe exists; if you don't believe it exists, there is nothing to pay. I imagine that being able to say, "I can if I want to," will be sufficient. If you feel equal, and she feels equal, and there are no other reasons for the friendship to end, it will turn out fine.