[rei]

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

Thanks to rei's gentle nudging I'm going to post some excerpts of a PM I sent her, and then add some more thoughts if I have the time.

thank you, Andrew, for sharing here. and for doing so even while you and i were in the middle of a difference of opinion

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

Quote:
[...]I was actually thinking more of Blossom. I saw her write something a while back about trying out darkworking and I got this hit of discord. I don't know what the source of it was but the message felt like, "This is NOT what she came here to do!" The feeling reminded me of what I felt when I saw my twin soul was lost in her personal darkness and disconnected from herself / from light. It made me... makes me want to cry so much. It hurts. And I think mixed up in their is my own pain from being disconnected from Source (something which made me want to kill myself as I had felt it and couldn't stand living without it), and the pain at seeing my parents disconnected from Source/light/their own core (their own light/deepest truth).... and my own core and light and truth. And then the pain at seeing the whole world disconnected. It hurts so much.

OK so now you know what I'm getting at - I know you feel this connection - how can you say that darkworkers can continue their path when it is going in the opposite direction as this?

they are two sides of the same coin. both lead to the same conclusion taking a different focus and with different methods.

Source is all of us. each of us is an aspect of Source. and the collective is an aspect of Source. it is not going "away from Source" to be a darkworker. it is just focusing on the individuated consciousness manifestation of Source instead of focusing on the collective as a manifestation of Source.

Source is love. choosing to express love toward self is not wrong. it is concentrating love energy as the lightworker does - and focusing that love on Source-as-self instead of the collective expression of Source. when you incorporate the hermetic principle this is all quite logical, or at least it is to me. i don't think a darkworker really can focus on growing through reflection and love of self, and not have that mirrored in the world.

there is a big difference between the act of polarizing and the act of choosing to further distortion. lightworkers and darkworkers have both created or furthered distortion. that is not the same as polarity.

if a person chooses to harm with intention, that's not cool. but it is not related to polarizing in my opinion, or at least, not inherent in the path or the decision to polarize. plenty of folks make that choice and have no conscious knowledge of either of these paths.

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

Or do you think they are not going in the opposite direction?

this. well, in one way of viewing it yes they are opposite directions. but they both swing around in an arc to end in the same place.

or really, the outline of a heart <3 would accurately depict my understanding of how these two paths flow - from a long view.

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

My heart feeling is that they are. This arrogance of the darkworker is the opposite. You know, the "I am God"/"I am the one and only ruler of my own universe" arrogance which they use as their basis of their growth. It's a belief in being something which is not light (which is automatically darkness... I get this idea darkness is an illusion... they believe they are something that doesn't exist... but the disconnect is real... right?). I feel so much pain in people being not their deepest truth.

i don't think the disconnect is real in an objective or ultimate sense. a person may choose to believe he or she is disconnected, and then that becomes true within the belief system. but i think even a person who decides to believe he or she is disconnected is still connected.

i don't see arrogance here either. if that were true, then there's a ton of arrogant LoA practitioners as well. and i think someone has already said they don't believe they are not light, they just choose to work with the darkness that exists within all of us.

the light is there, whether they choose to focus on it or not. they can't help but be their deepest truth. i think anyone who found a way to truly ignore and release their inner light would fall over dead. that doesn't happen to these folks who polarize, so the light is still there.

the surface self, the personality, can make choices that have no real bearing on the core self.

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

I'm so sorry for all this pain I'm projecting on you Rei. I know you're not the source of it.

i'm glad you acknowledged that. i knew it wasn't about me, glad you do too.

Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb

Quote:
And I know I sound angry at you but as you know the anger is not at you really - it is just what you have stirred up - and I know that too. I feel this anger but as soon as I observe it I kind of disbelieve it - I can tell it's not true - but I have to sort through it without resisting, anyway.

I remember during my worst times when the hatred in my eyes was so strong that people were scared of me, I never did anything to hurt anyone - except once, at about my lowest point - but point is, I don't let the anger BE me.

Perhaps that's a symptom of repression too come to think of it, I don't know. But yeah. I might hurt but I don't forget how much I sincerely appreciate you.

Thankyou to guides and Source too.

yes, repression is the word that jumped out at me here. i think these experiences have dislodged old pain for you, and you accepted it and have begun working with/through it consciously. even your concern for blossom, i don't think it was really about her. i think it was the adult you trying to help and save the vulnerable younger you, and not having a realistic outlet for that, you focused that attention on someone you chose to see as vulnerable. but i think much of your emotional landscape around this situation has been about you, your experiences, and your stuff.

from the look of it, you're already making incredible progress in owning it and accepting it and becoming even more of your best self. thank you for your courage in doing that work, and thank you again for participating here.

i will add, i think there are still things that could be said between you and IC. i see a sense of hurt, disconnection, and artificial separation between the two of you. i hope the fence will be mended there.