Originally Posted by Andrew Gubb  Cado, as you can read above I felt huge pain from the disconnect from Source I've experienced in my life since I've felt it so strong at times. This joy and love is what I want everyone, including myself, to have, and I consider it to be our true nature.
Now this pain isn't logical or rational - so I lashed out on you. You seem now to symbolise all I'm working against. I'm still waiting for rei to confirm for me (as I trust her as a much wiser version of what I'd like to be) whether you really ARE going in the opposite direction to me, but it has seemed so. And this idea has been so horrible to me, has pushed my buttons in such a way that I find it difficult to treat you with the respect you deserve.
As for energy exchange - I really did feel like you were drawing energy from me, or trying to. It reminded me of a very dark person before who tried to take the role of my spiritual teacher and managed to get a grasp on me thanks to a low self-esteem on my part. His mode of being was like this, and I am sure totally unconscious for him: he would always find a way of convincing me that I was not good enough, not strong enough, not healthy enough, not enough spiritually developed. He'd give, but only so he could take more.
When I abruptly changed my mind about you I suddenly had the vision of you doing the same thing. The fact is that you often talk about my wounds and my failings. Fine, I like constructive criticism more than most, but I feel like you had energetic reasons to point out my wounds all the time. The message is "you're wounded, you need help" - "who can help me?" - "come to papa". If I fall into that game I'm always looking for approval from the other, having been convinced that I can not take care of myself, and I become effectively his slave - allowing my energy to be siphoned off constantly.
As I said this exact pattern happened once before. When you started talking to me I was wary of you as I understood darkworkers to be, well, dark, but I took a bit of distance and let you tell me your side of the story.
Now when I felt this energetic hit of discord I mentioned above when reading Blossom, I suddenly felt like I had to reevaluate. I sent her some PMs with my thoughts, trying, perhaps arrogantly, to save her, and then eventually that PM to you saying I broke off communication. (I am sorry that this happened when it was my turn in the challenge, but I felt like even the challenge was a means of keeping me connected energetically to you).
As for what I feel in your aura and what I have felt in Asmoday's aura -- well, I'm not saying my intuition is infallible. But I have felt that, I'm sorry. As I said, I've always assumed that dark is dark. Maybe I am missing a piece, we'll have to see - I keep my mind open.
In any case subjective reality says you are an aspect of me - so it makes no sense to reject you. I am sorry for what I have sent energetically your way (anger, pain) while expressing my opinion. I think it's clear that this discussion has been a healing session for me and perhaps others. Today I feel very different, with much thanks to Rei. Like, much lighter... and indeed, even more sensitive (which, my friend, is not to do with wounds, it is to do with purity. Ask Rei if you want to. Now I had better learn to protect my energy fast... I know this. But it's not a wound. Almost all people who do not know what it's like to be indigo or crystal make that mistake).
I hope I've cleared up some stuff for you and we don't have to have any animosity between us. I am very sorry for letting you down in the challenge. And I don't wish to judge you or stigmatise you for your creed. Perhaps the energy draining I felt has nothing to do with you being a darkworker; perhaps it's your unconscious stuff still there, or perhaps it's any other reason.
Be well,
Andrew |