[Andrew Gubb]

Hi guys.

Thanks to rei's gentle nudging I'm going to post some excerpts of a PM I sent her, and then add some more thoughts if I have the time.

[...]I was actually thinking more of Blossom. I saw her write something a while back about trying out darkworking and I got this hit of discord. I don't know what the source of it was but the message felt like, "This is NOT what she came here to do!" The feeling reminded me of what I felt when I saw my twin soul was lost in her personal darkness and disconnected from herself / from light. It made me... makes me want to cry so much. It hurts. And I think mixed up in their is my own pain from being disconnected from Source (something which made me want to kill myself as I had felt it and couldn't stand living without it), and the pain at seeing my parents disconnected from Source/light/their own core (their own light/deepest truth).... and my own core and light and truth. And then the pain at seeing the whole world disconnected. It hurts so much.

OK so now you know what I'm getting at - I know you feel this connection - how can you say that darkworkers can continue their path when it is going in the opposite direction as this?

Or do you think they are not going in the opposite direction?

My heart feeling is that they are. This arrogance of the darkworker is the opposite. You know, the "I am God"/"I am the one and only ruler of my own universe" arrogance which they use as their basis of their growth. It's a belief in being something which is not light (which is automatically darkness... I get this idea darkness is an illusion... they believe they are something that doesn't exist... but the disconnect is real... right?). I feel so much pain in people being not their deepest truth.

And of course pain in myself not being there (no longer suicidal, feeling pretty happy moment to moment, lots of moments of wonder at the beauty of things and the incredibleness of life, but still such a desire to reach that state of utter bliss at everything, utter rightness, where everything is so clear and bright and true). Which according to all your metaphysics is what I should work on to heal the rest of the stuff in my subjective reality.

I'm so sorry for all this pain I'm projecting on you Rei. I know you're not the source of it.

Then about the anger I had with rei:

And I know I sound angry at you but as you know the anger is not at you really - it is just what you have stirred up - and I know that too. I feel this anger but as soon as I observe it I kind of disbelieve it - I can tell it's not true - but I have to sort through it without resisting, anyway.

I remember during my worst times when the hatred in my eyes was so strong that people were scared of me, I never did anything to hurt anyone - except once, at about my lowest point - but point is, I don't let the anger BE me.

Perhaps that's a symptom of repression too come to think of it, I don't know. But yeah. I might hurt but I don't forget how much I sincerely appreciate you.

Thankyou to guides and Source too.

Now I'll write something for Cado.