[Alarin]

My sympathies toasterwater, I know exactly what you're going through and battled depression myself for a number of years. I've been on top of it for a good two years now so I can definately say there is light at the end of the tunnel! Here's how I sent the black dog back to his kennel with his tail between his legs

I am quite embarrassed about this

Firstly don't be embarrased about having depression! It's an extremely common illness these days and very treatable.

Secondly, go download and read this absolutely fantastic and free depression resource called The Learning Path. This book is very easy to read and explains the science behind depression and how you can treat it yourself by changing your thinking patterns - reading this book and implementing the changes was absolutely criticial to my overcoming depression.

Thirdly don't work yourself too hard, physically or mentally. Depression is caused by a lack of seratonin, yes, but not enough people realise that concentrated activity and intense physical activity contribute to lowered seratonin levels by increasing your adrenalin and cortosol levels. Put simply - imagine you have a Sims-style bar of seratonin, and the more you use your brain intensley (studying, reading, coding, etc, for more than 9 or so hours a day) or exercise intensley the lower your seratonin bar gets. To increase it back to maximum you need to do things that give your mind and body a break - sleep, watch movies, play computer games, etc. Exercise is essential but you might want to try something low-intensity for a while, personally I love walking.

I firmly believe that part of the depression crisis our western society is facing is due to people overworking themselves and being overworked by money-hungry corporations. We're not machines, you have to play as much as work if your brain is going to remain healthy - like any organ in the body it can and does wear out with too much use.

Fourthly stay busy and don't let your mind wander, this is critical to beating the negative-thinking loops that help cause and continue depression (there's heaps more info about that in the free book I linked to). If you're in a situation where you're waiting - on public transport, at the doctors, doing a task which leaves your mind free to wander like gardening or painting - keep your mind occupied by listening to music (make sure it's positive stuff!) or better yet audiobooks / podcasts, or reading a fun engaging book.

Fifthly realise that there are good days and bad days, and that they happen to everyone not just you. I don't know the science behind it but the human brain and body seems to work on a rotation of a few highly positive pro-active days followed by a "downtime" period of a few days, then a few normal days, then back to the supercharged days. Take the bad days as they come, be kind to yourself and realise they will soon pass. I like to remember the quote "without darkness there would be no light".

Sixthly get rid of as many negative influences in your life as you can - tv news, negative people, sad, negative or aggressive movies / books / music. Think of them as seeds which are planted in your mind and purposefully replace them with seeds that are positive, uplifting and relaxing, like fun or inspiring movies, music, books and - most importantly - people.

Finally don't discount antidepressant drugs - depending on the type of depression you have you may need them if you're not already taking them. There are two main types of depression - circumstantial and seratonin deficient. To me it sounds like you have the second type. For people with circumstantial depression they can often be returned to full health after a stressful period in their life by proper rest, exercise, making some lifestyle changes and sometimes taking antidepressants. For people who are seratonin deficient it's a chemical imbalance which means that although the additional steps like changing thinking patterns and lifestyle are very very important, it's always going to be a lot more difficult to keep depression at bay than for someone who has normal seratonin functions.

Antidepressants aren't a silver bullet, I believe it's absolutely essential to also fight it on a physological and physical level (again detailed in that book, it's too much to go into here), but if you're seratonin deficient I also believe antidepressants are an essential weapon against depression. I avoided taking them for years, thinking I could do it by willpower alone (and had my depression been circumstantial I probably could have), but eventually I decided to also incorporate antidepressants and the improvement has been substantial and - most importantly - long term.

I hope that helps!