She dumped me on June.8th.2004.
That day is exactly the day when I was in Germany for whole 2 years.
I still remember our virginal sex the night before I got on the plane to Germany on June,8th,2002.
How couldn't I?
That is the only sex experience I ever had.
She dumped me for no real reason, she wrote me a email said she "FEEL" that I fell in love with another girl, and she is disppointed that I was not doing well on my study which made she feel "unsafe".
At that time, I was in short of money, I borrowed 100euro to buy her a nice last gift, she happily accepted it.
Days later, she angrily wrote something like this via online chatting:
" You are still a child"
" I am so lucky not to be with a guy as you"
" I can't remember the details of our story"
" our love will never back again"
.......etc
then..she cut off all my access to her.
She changed job, abandoned her email, changed phone number, moved to another place.
I remember, in the last chat, I asked her where is she going'
you know how she answered me? " I even haven't told my collegues"
I love her so much, for these 5 years, I never even kissed any girl.
I hate her so much, I bought a really sharp knife, and for these 3 years, I can't get rid of the idea to scar her face.
Now I am heading back, though I don't know where to find her, I know I must see her again.
I don't know what will happen when I see her again. If she were cold to me, something bloody might happen.
And I know I still love her, if she wrote me a letter like right now, I will forgive her immediately. but I know she won't.
Those love/hate feelings tortured me alot.
I don't want to see anything bloody happens. I tried to forgive her for 3 years, I still can't clear my mind.
I need your advice.
I am now like my nick said "weiss ich nicht wohin ( I don't know where to go)"
btw: don't tell me " you should not see her again", on this point, I am pretty clear, I MUST see her again. Es muss sein.