[Cat Dancer]

Originally Posted by newdad

Now I am trying to decide how to proceed with her based on polarity. If I choose a love based polarity. I will forgive her of her transgressions, allow her to say what she wants and overlook her misbehavior in order to try to gain her love and hope that by these actions she would then respect us and desire to do better?

Well no. Allowing her to say what she wants is not love. Trying to "gain her love" is the opposite, a fear-based polarity, a focus on getting love for you.

I can't seem to buy this line of thought. If I were allow this, I am basically telling her she doesn't need to be responsible for her actions. I can't see how that will help her when she gets out into the real world.

Right.

Anyone see any other solutions?

I strongly urge you to see a counselor. Get some expert advice. Find out what can be done, what is realistic, and what isn't realistic.

You may be past the point where you can change her. She is nearly an adult, and it may be that no combination of reward or punishment will affect her. You may not be able to help her when she gets out into the real world.

I've had it with her. I have a ten mo. old son that is wonderful. I want to raise him without fearing that her constant complaining, demanding, whining, fighting, abuse, etc... is going to effect his behavior. I don't want him being exposed to the hostility that she can bring out in us.

That hostility is your choice. You are choosing to respond with hostility to her behavior.

Now that does not mean that there aren't boundaries that she needs to not cross. She needs to not hurt your ten month old son. If she can't keep from being abusive then she needs to not be in the same room as your son.

You may put abusive language in the same category. You and your wife may decide that she can't be with you if she uses abusive language. For example, using abusive language might have the consequence that she is locked out of the house for one hour. (I strongly recommend that you choose the actual consequence in conjunction with your counselor).

Recognize that you can't change her. You cannot get her to have acceptable behavior. What you can do is say that she is not going to have unacceptable behavior here. Then it is her choice whether to behave acceptably when she is with the family, or else to not be there. She may choose one or the other.

Only by setting strong boundaries may you possibly affect her. If she can't both be with you and behave unacceptably, she may change her behavior so that she can be with you. But only if you set strong boundaries and are consistent over a long period of time. And she will continue to test you. And you will need to continue to consistently enforce the boundaries.

You have been thrown into a difficult situation with which you have no prior experience. The closest analogy I can think of is if you were riding in an airplane and the only pilot has died of a heart attack. If you were trying to figure out the controls and the other passengers were screaming at you, you might get really mad at them. But if you were on the radio to the control tower and they were talking you through landing the plane, you wouldn't get mad much at the other passengers no matter how much they screamed. You'd be busy landing the plane.

So once again I strongly urge you to see a professional counselor. Not your wife's daughter, not your wife. You. Yourself. By yourself. You've been thrown into this situation that you've never handled before, so talk to someone who has handled it a hundred times. Once you know what steps to take, that if A happens you do X, if B happens you do Y, if C happens you do Z, you won't be getting so angry and hostile. Your anger and hostility comes from not knowing what to do.

I hope this was helpful,

Cat