Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael Chui  In reply to ethereal's post,
There is an implicit assumption in Hawkins' words that the two lives are separate and distinct, unaffective of the other without "intervention". The notion that you can rob someone of an opportunity for a learning experience suggests, first of all, that you do not have your own learning experience to partake in from the very act of helping in the first place. |
I am in a similar position with taylor as I grew up with an abusive parent & have had abuse in/out of my life but anyways I can share from a personal standpoint my own experience & that may be helpful for you flyingman especially in regards to your experience with your friend.
MichaelChiu - great point & I liked your earlier posting. & yes there was a personal lesson for me in attempting to help the people who were "sinking ships"... my personal lesson was to no longer help at my own detriment. I was to firstly take myself off the sinking ship & escape to a definite safe zone. Then, if I was strong enough & able, I was to help if I still desired to do so. However, I am finding as I am growing stronger that I am no longer desiring to help as my fear I used to help out of has lessened so much that.. I realize these people must learn to save themselves.
So... I believe there are times we can be of help to others & not be in their sinking ships. However, there are boundaries which protect us from harm. We may be a mental health professional or a medical doctor. However, we are not their mother/father/sister/brother/friend... I believe in the medical field they protect from bias by not allowing relatives to treat their family members.
There are times to help & times to not help.
I found the questions JHL posted to be very dead-on. I also was like that until I read several books (codependency movement based) which hit the nail dead-on.
Why was I helping?
I was helping because I felt the only way to save myself (fear) was to save them. However all I was doing was draining all of my life energy towards the person with the addiction/affliction & not helping myself at all. All my energy sunk & I became depressed. Interesting hmm?
Back to my personal story:
I did not choose to escape from the abuse earlier due to my strong desire to help my parents with their problems. I continued speaking to them even when my sister stopped doing so because I thought idealistically that they were like me, capable of growth due to courage, & I realized realistically assessing the situation later that they were not capable. It wasn't until I aligned myself with a much higher purpose (following my life purpose) & realized helping these people on sinking ships was in the way of me fulfilling my purpose... I finally had enough strength to escape & ..I suppose in a way I achieved escape velocity from the negative situation.
In some ways I see people who cannot help themselves as black holes (sorry for the negative implication..) because they have a tendency to drag those around them into their problems. I wonder flyingman if your friend is in a similar situation as I was.
I read Erin Pavlina's posts earlier this week & they resonated with me in that she cited courage as what she needed to escape a situation. I agree heavily. Your friend needs courage.. but not your courage .. she needs to find her own personal courage & reason to escape the situation. Sorry if that means you cannot help her (because you cannot really...) but have faith in her strength & believe in her.
I will also add. There were several people surrounding me before that attempted repeatedly to "help" me. They all utilized pity (which is nothing more than veiled condenscension) to "help" me. They looked down on me as someone who so incapable of handling my own situation in life. Being around them was incredibly disempowering for me in terms of leaving the situation. I had to let them go before I did finally leave. I actually reflected on what their motivations were later ... & I realized that a lot of it in particular for one person B who was the most heavily involved was.. ego. B had a high amount of his own personal ego invested in being a helpful person...so much so that he was very negative when he "helped". B has an alcoholic friend who he has repeatedly "helped" for many years & whom he thinks of as a pitiable person who cannot take care of himself. B thinks he is positively motivated but now that I am out.. I can see that he is not. I hope this makes sense & I hope it helps whomever may read this post.
I just hope my experience may enlighten others who are on the same path I was on.
