JHL and DarkSociologist,
Let me first just say "thank you". I don't know how, but you both seemed to say exactly what I needed to hear. I know the problem is more with my perceptions of myself and my worth than with his actions (though sometimes they do confound me). You both had such an eloquent and compasionate answer for me, and I truly appreciate that. Thanks for taking the time.
I will definitely take your advice to heart. I have been thinking that if I can just control my response (and not say the first suspicion filled thing that comes to mind) that things will be better becuase he will not feel a constant distrust and resentment from me - which probably leads him to spend more time away and with friends causing a vicious cycle. Knowing this and putting it into practice are two different things of course. I have also been on a sort of downward spiral when it comes to my eating and exercise. I am sure a change in both of those will be of some help. I have thought about seeing a counselor very much lately, but am not in a financial position at this time to do so. I will keep it in mind for the future.
To your question, Dark: Yes. I do think he would be better off/happier with someone prettier, smarter, funnier, better in bed, etc. It feels wretched! And deep down I know it is not true. I do and have done so much for him (which he has told me and sincerely thanked me for), and I know I am a decent person with a lot of compassion.
I have told him before I am insecure, and he has said I have no need to be. Then I will continue to do insecure things and it frustrates him to the point he gets angry with me. I will ask for his help in being affirming and affectionate as I actively try to change my view of myself and put a stop to the defeating behavior.
I really can't say thanks enough. I needed this. And I welcome any more advice.  |