When I read people's posts when discussing psychic abilities and how they talk about it as a gift or as something to strive for and behold, I get tense and a bit angry.
You are probably wondering how anyone could get tense or angry, but here's why I do. Ever since I was 4 years old and it may be earlier than that, but that's the youngest age I can remember my first psychic ability...I saw a huge male being, with flowing perfectly white hair on his head and his mustache and beard were long and the same color...he appeared out from a clear blue sky on a summer day, when I was laying on my back and getting caught up in the wind blowing a very tall pine tree across the street.
Eventually, my parents who were ultra fundamental Pentecostal Christians, decided I was demon possessed. A few times, they drug me into a pastor's office to "have Satan casted out of me". Then, as I got older, I would know when the phone was going to ring and who it was....or look at someone and feel them and whatnot....and seeing the spirit world didn't stop either.
I tried so hard to stop myself, I really did. I didn't want to have this horrible life of being ridiculed as being demonic and being taken to pastors to go through those scary moments of being screamed at, manhandled or feel the spit from his mouth hit my face...I was so terrified, as I was only a young girl and so dang confused as to "what was wrong with me"....so, I stopped talking about what was going on and pretended that these events were no longer happening. Then, I started having mental issues because I thought I was going nuts. Eventually, my parents started taking me to a head shrink. I hated everything about me, then.
Today, I have a love for who I am and what I am made out of for the most part...still working on that area. However, I still carry around this resentment for having psychic abilities and when I hear someone say they wish they could have such a blessed gift, I respond..."Okay, take mine, I don't want it anymore. It's a friggin curse to me." I know this may sound bitter or ungrateful and I know deep down in my heart, that I don't really feel that way. I just get entirely worn out and at times, depressed cause so much input is coming in that I don't know what to do with it or how to control it.
I would just love to know what it feels like to go out into public and just have a purely normal human experience of just hanging out and minding my own business. I have become so anti-social, that I rarely go out anymore. I hate it when I am in a store and there is too many people around me....especially if I am already tired or hungry, the collective thoughts and energies of everyone just flood into my head and I feel like running out, just to get myself quiet again.
There are a few times, that I have actually felt a panic/anxiety attack and left my poor hubby to finish the shopping. And boy, when I finally get to get outside and take that first breath of open space air, I feel very much how a wild animal must feel, when it's set free to roam it's natural habitat after being caged up. I end up feeling bad for my hubby, because even though I know he accepts this part of me and tries to make me feel free to escape, I also feel him not understand it and sorta feels cheated in getting a wife that can't relax and just have fun with him...poor guy, I love him so much!
And, forbid the moment someone just has to come up to me and share their problems to get comfort or whatever, cause I can get these snap shot photo images of the issues and know what this person should or should not do and the outcome of each way...and many of times, I get attitude issues back from them if my answers are not what they want to hear....because, a lot of times the snap shot images tell me they are dealing with a whole different issue and that they are not being honest with themselves.
When that happens, it feels like all hell breaks out on me...when they say something like, "Yeah, that is happening too...but that's not my REAL issue." Then, it will dawn on them that I brought up an issue that I had no human way of knowing and then they either wig out or get angry at me over it. I just wanna pull my hair out at these moments and yell out, "Hey, I didn't create your reality, you did. I only see it and sharing it with you is all. So, if ya wanna piss on someone over it, piss on yourself!" I know, not very loving thoughts, but sheez.
I hate it when this happens and I feel like blurting out, "If you don't like hearing the truth, then don't bother coming to me, I don't need this crap!' But, I don't...I go into compassion mode as much as I can, because I know that I don't always respond to truth in a healthy manner, so how can I expect them to. I end up being as loving as possible and say something like, "I'm sorry if this made you upset, I am just trying to help." Then, I change the subject to something completely different. But, I hate it when I say I am sorry, because sorry means that I did something wrong.
I am sorry for this being so long and I appreciate any of you that has stayed with me so far. It's just been what feels like forever that I have held this resentment inside and I want to get it out. Trust me, I am not like a spoiled and ungrateful bratty kid that doesn't appreciate the wonderful toys in her room. I am just feeling like a kid that is overwhelmed by all the toys that are piled in a heap and has a problem knowing what to organize them so it doesn't feel like a mess.
I am going to be 45 years old in June...that's almost half my life, if I do live to be 100 years old. I have spent this first half being resentful of my abilities and feeling worn out...and I really don't want to wish away my abilities if that can happen, as I am scared of that happening too if I give in to resenting it too much...I just want to live out the last half of my life appreciating my abilities and knowing how to use it and control it to get breaks when I am out in public...because I don't really like running or hiding away, it's not me really.
Does anyone out there understand and relate to what I am feeling? Has anyone ever gone through resenting their "gift" and come out learning how to not allow it to overwhelm yourself and actually enjoy and fully appreciate it? It's like I said, most of the time I love me and what I am, but it's only when going through psychic events, that I start feeling like a friggin freakazoid and I know I need to work on this...just don't know how.
Okay, y'all are released to return to whatever it was you were doing before I started my whining and complaining. Deep down inside I am not like this, this is not the real me most of the time....it just creeps up on me ever so often. I want to be TOTALLY free from the present bouts of resentment to live out the rest of my life daily, peacefully enjoying my gift. I have been telling myself for tons of years, it's only a phase things will get better.
Again, thanks so much for taking the time to read this long post and responding to it, if you so choose.