JHL, it is so funny that you said that was your reaction to being called 'human'. I did the same thing! I thought that my 'badness' was so evident that everyone saw the same things I did. It took me awhile to figure out that I had a skewed view of the total picture of 'me'. It was like when I was little and I would sit close enough to the TV to see that the picture was really made of little dots of color. If you get hung up on the dots, you can't see the picture the dots make.
And, for whatever reason, it always seems like humans focus on the negative. I know this from teaching riding lessons. If someone falls off ONCE, it will erase the memory for them of all of the rides they had where they didn't fall off. They forget how to respect themselves for the really competent riders they are. Its like having ONE flawed experience makes them irrevocably flawed.
I also find it refreshing and a relief to be able to discuss such things with others in a candid and open manner. I have also had a really hard time with being defensive and it has crippled many of my relationships and business opportunities. This is another thing I am working hard on. I think it also stems from not loving myself, the feelings of disrespect I have had for myself and assuming that everyone feels the same way about me. Boy, if I didn't want to bore everybody here stiff I could tell you about a lifetime spent trying to please others for that instant of praise and how resentful and hurt I would get if I didn't get my pat on the head. I am VERY SLOWLY coming to where I praise myself and need it less from others. It allows me to act more naturally and more in my own interests. It also allows me to take chances and have less fear of failure...and of success. The changes that have come to me emotionally from studying LOA and I/M are, in themselves, rewards which outweigh our increased income.
Anyway, good luck to you. Building ourselves should always be a work in progress. Love yourself. We do.
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