Hi VLS, it sounds like you feel a lot of self-loathing towards yourself as a result of this fetish, and that you doubt its something you'll ever be able to overcome. You're reaching out for help here, so it seems it is something you would like to either come to terms with, or overcome completely.
Firstly you're not alone in having an addiction. Secondly, a great many people have sexual fetishes as you're no doubt aware. And this is perfectly normal.
So far as I can tell, there are three problems in your situation:
1 - you are addicted to this sexual habit, its having a negative impact on your life and certainly your self-image.
2 - There's nothing wrong with having a fetish, but yours may be physically unhealthy.
3 - It may continue to progress to even unhealthier activities.
Your fascination with this fetish and your masturbation are "ingrained" only because you've formed a habit. Like any habit, it CAN be overcome with enough dedication and motivation to change. The one challenge with a sexual addiction, as opposed to an addiction to a substance, say, is that its normal to desire sexual release and its not appropriate to try resist this desire in totality, as one would try when quitting cigarettes or alcohol.
My suggestion to you is to take steps to look at how to wean yourself of this habita and replace it with a healthier alternative. It sounds like you are on the verge of taking it one step further, and this will only serve to increase your self-loathing and inevitably the damage to your self-esteem. You may find it hard to go talk to a sex counsellor about this because you may find it embarassing (they wouldnt - they have heard it all before) but this would be a very good option. The other thing I would suggest is that you research your addiction and try to implement steps to curbing it.
Don't give up on yourself. The worst trick the ego can play on us is to convince us that a situation is hopeless. It is not. You simply have a habit you would like to change. You can do it.
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