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I felt like such an idiot because I didn't see the signs.
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Don't feel badly about this. Unfortunately when you open your heart to someone, it entails the risk that they will abuse your openess and feelings towards them. You're doing the best you can. This has obviously been a very emotional and painful time for you and you're allowed to feel all things you're feeling.
Hindsight is a wonderful facility, and often we want to kick ourselves for not doing things differently. But the truth is - you did the best you could, and thats good enough. Today you have new insight and new growth that you didnt have yesterday. Today you will try to do things differently, and thats all you can ask of yourself.
You're beginning to see that you deserve better than what you got in this last relationship. Its painful, to be sure, to lose this person even though he was far from ideal. There is still loss, there is still an emptiness in you that is causing you to hurt. But slowly over time you will begin to fill this emptiness with your own love for yourself. You will do this by realising you deserve better, and by respecting yourself for moving on from this guy and knowing that you will demand more from your next relationship.
One thing I would strongly suggest is that you cut off all contact with him - this would be the best action of self-love you could take right now. It will be very hard to do initially, but if you remain in contact with him it will only prolong your pain and mixed feelings and delay your healing. Instead, surround yourself with friends who will nurture you, who will listen to you. Express your pain in writing and crying is also very cathartic. Also, write here as often as you need to. Even though you feel very alone right now, remember that you are loved
