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Originally Posted by JHL  In lieu of being my true self, I live behind a mask that has functioned rather well in the world. I have achieved good commercial success, I come across as being very competent and capable etc. Yet inside I feel like an imposter and cant believe how I've managed to 'fool' everyone. However the cracks have started to show, as they inevitably must, and I've realised the need to 'find myself' before the cracks manifest as ill-health. (Mentally, they are already very apparent). |
I really appreciate the honesty in this post. I think I know how you feel. But I think we can all be so hard on ourselves. If you appear competent, you probably are and even more so in the face of inner turmoil. I have spent a lot of my life thinking I was not a nice person. It is left over from the way my parents talked to me when I was little. It is kind of sad that a 43 year old woman is still paying for being told she was bad when she was five, but there you go. Anyway, I have struggled with a negative self-view for a long time. Not too long ago, I was telling a friend how mean spirited I am. She looked at me like I had lost my mind and told me that she didn't know anybody else that did as much for people, was as generous with their time and meager resources, or thought about how to help out more than I did. I was uncomfortable with being told this and I said, "Well, I think mean things and I am jealous sometimes and I am selfish a lot of times." She said, "That doesn't make you BAD, that makes you HUMAN."
The moral to that is that maybe we should learn to love and respect ourselves as much as the people around us love and respect us. I am finally getting around to being able to say that I am a good and deserving person. Oddly enough, a lot of 'bad' things (like jealousy and selfishness) that I used to feel are diminishing. I think it is because they were rooted in my bad feelings about myself. As I learn to love myself warts and all, the warts seem to be going away.
You really ARE a good and competent person. You deserve the things you desire, including peace and confidence. I think that you are getting closer to the truth now than you were with your first post. One thing studying the LOA has taught me is to try to get to the root of my feelings. If you are feeling bad, ask yourself, "What do I want?" Almost always, what you are saying and what you REALLY want are two WAY different things. I say I want money. What I really want is to feel safe and I identify that with money.