How did you get so smart for a freshman? You're tackling the same types of problems everyone does when they're first going to college, but you're tackling it in such a different and smarter way. I wasn't at where you are in problem solving until at least junior year, if then, and I fancy that I'm ahead of the curve.
I wasn't assuming that you'd be scared off yet, but I get intensely negative without realizing (at least until very recently) and it puts people off. I guess negativity was my implement of learning. I hurt myself and hurt myself and hurt myself, first unconsciously and then with conscious intent, until I noticed that there was something that wasn't being hurt. I still often hurt myself with negativity out of habit and because I'm adjusting to having something that can't be hurt. I can stop it more now that it's more obvious what I'm doing, but I'm still at odds with myself.
If you can find a way to do with positivity what I did with negativity, that would be great and I would love to hear how you do it. To bludgeon yourself with happiness until you learn to move past it. As it is, all my advice amounts to is to lose hope until you don't need it anymore. I wish I could tell you a better way to do it, but you're right to be afraid of losing yourself. You ARE the pain in your life. Amongst other things, suffering is a part of your conception of yourself, and to lose suffering is to lose yourself.
Imagine a world where you didn't hurt when someone died, where you didn't even think about someone when they die. Not out of callousness or uncaring, but simply because it is unnecessary to do so. Can you imagine yourself as the person you are being a part of this world? Of course not, the you as you are NEEDS to hurt for others and for yourself, to think about others and yourself constantly and often with no good reason. But that pain is unnecessary, and if you were no longer here then it would all be gone and all that would be left is peace and joy.
If you can (it's very long), read "The Fountainhead." Amongst other things, it's about a man that cannot be hurt, cannot hate, and cannot fear. It changed my life, to see in honest words that it was possible not to hate and hurt and fear and all the other nastiness associated with being human. To be completely helpless before freedom and happiness.
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