Quote:
Originally Posted by Penelopi  But actually the big issue there was feeling like im losing myself and i have no idea how to handle the situation. i feel like im going to be a diff person and im not ready to lose myself... do you get what i mean? what shoud i do? |
I know exactly what you mean. I'm not ready to lose myself either. I have this sense of fear, like there is some terrible emotion hovering over me, the cost of losing myself, and if I look up it will strike. So I cower and I crawl and pretend that that's having control my life, all for fear of this pain I cannot face. But no matter how cleverly I cower and crawl, I can't change the thing that is hovering over me. And I'm not strong enough to face it.
I think I faced it once, in a dream, and it was the most unbelievably intense moment of my life. I can't even begin to describe a lifetime of mistakes and failures coming down on me in one fell swoop. It was very simply beyond the scope of any descriptive words. I woke up from the sound of my bed knocking against the wall because I was shaking so hard.
But it doesn't have to be faced. I don't know how I know, but I know that it's not like that. I think that's the mistake of our entire lives; that we put pain above us like a cloud and make it a part of our being. Like to lose the pain is to see everything lost. But once we lose ourselves, the pain is lost too, and I think the happiness gained is of equal or greater measure to the pain lost.
And if we can lose ourselves and still be here, then we were never the pain to begin with. We are like worry; the less we use ourselves, the less necessary we become until we fade away. So you're afraid, and I understand that fear. But your fear isn't holding you back. The pain and fear will leave once you don't their protection anymore. So do what you need to do, watch what you know is wrong, and you'll stop using those pains that you don't need. It's far too simple to figure out, and your understanding is unnecessary.
It's funny how this all crystallized for me. All these things finally came together, and I realized that I don't need all these thoughts and techniques. Not that I've stopped using them, but I can feel what's beyond them in a way I couldn't before. Nothing you are using to get any further is of any use at all, except to disprove its own usefulness. You don't have to stop using your techniques and efforts, and in fact should keep using them in spite of their uselessness.
You just have to recognize the essential meaninglessness of your efforts to improve. I can't tell you how to get better; I can only tell you that any method you use to get better won't work, and you should do it anyways. Break yourself on your own stupidity and insufficiency, and eventually you'll come to realize how unimportant any of it is to your happiness. And you'll do it faster than I did if you don't waste your time trying to pretend that it's possible to get better from whatever spiritual malady it is you feel you have. You'll probably hate it for a while longer, just as you hate it now. Whether you hate or not, love or not, judge or not, is irrelevant. It's called awareness for a reason; it's not what you do or see, it's that you do and see that's important.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Penelopi I don't want to become the girl whose given special treatment I want to be treated equally. I want to be treated the way I am treated when I wasn't that "pretty". |
But you are pretty, and you don't need to damn yourself because of it. Why is it the things that you earn with your mind (which, let's not forget, is a part of your body) are alright, but the things you earn with your body are cheap and unfair? Do you act stupid because there are other people that aren't as smart as you, or weak because they aren't as strong? I hope not. You don't have to act ugly because others aren't as pretty as you, either. You don't have to act like a floozy, but to cheapen your body is to cheapen yourself as a whole.
Your life isn't something that has to be bought and paid for with mental tricks. You are beautiful and deserving of whatever value you receive because of it. You wouldn't burn roses just because they were a gift. Don't burn your happiness just because you didn't pay for it. Life isn't a transaction. You are free, in more ways than one.
Sorry for the metaphors and pontification. I'm dealing with things in my own way right now, and you just happen to be the unfortunate victim of my ramblings. I feel as if you and I have some kind of connection, and I hope that I don't scare you off as I tend to do with other people that I feel connections with. Of course, I just guaranteed that exactly that will happen, but I hope it doesn't happen too awfully soon
.