songindarkness, I just want to say first that I really appreciate the courage it must have taken to be so honest with us; and I know you probably feel desperate right now but I can assure you that the feelings you have now will pass and that things can get better.
Secondly, I would strongly advise you to ignore everything everyone else has written on this thread so far: I can tell you for a fact that what they suggested will not help you. I am qualified to say this because I have experienced, and am still struggling with, all the things you described such as the suicidal depression, the feelings of failure and worthlessness, the helpless inability to get even the simplest things done etc etc. These people mean well and have good intentions and are honestly trying to help you, but the simple fact is that they don't actually understand what you're dealing with and thus don't know what they're talking about. They are making their own value judgments about your situation based on their own background and experience - and I can tell you now that they haven't gone through what you're going through, or else they wouldn't have given you the kind of advice that they did. I mean, guys like Steve Pavlina may be qualified to speak authoritatively on many things, but mental illness isn't one of them. I say all of this without meaning offense to any of the other posters on this thread: I know you did so out of a sincere desire to help.
Look, like I said, I know what you're going through, so please listen to me when I say that it's not something that can be fixed through self-improvement. You need healing, not self-help. I hope you won't find this patronizing or feel as if I'm labelling you, but if what you wrote is true then I can tell you that you are literally wounded psychologically - and the damage is just as real and debilitating as if you had broken your leg or arm. Your problem is not a matter of, well, fixing a problem: it's a matter of getting the proper care and help that you need to heal.
Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Self-help never got me anywhere; it helped a little, but the change was negligible. It's only since I've been going to therapy and getting proper psychiatric help that I've been slowly getting better. Like I said before, you should view your situation as one of being wounded and in need of healing - because that's literally what it is. It's got nothing to do with your energetic vibration or having the wrong thought patterns.
Please understand that this is not something you can fix yourself or go at alone: you will need professional care to get better (hell, or even if you just call a helpline to talk to people).
And I just want to ask you a question, and I promise you that it is relevant: are you asian? (I am, and I'm guessing that you are too)
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