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Originally Posted by cylon  One thing I have come to believe in my life is that whatever is happening is a reflection of something going on inside myself. If I am having a dilemma or concern or question about life or anything like that, invariably it gets reflected in my reality. Sometimes it takes me time to see what's happening but I usually can make the correlation, often times it just hits me in the face. Happened today as a matter of fact. |
it did eh? how ironic
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Originally Posted by cylon So.... that doesn't mean what people are saying is "true" about you, because you are obviously not those bad things... but there is always the possibility that you may have at one time believed that what they were saying is true and that you haven't fully accepted a certain part of yourself or have mistakenly judged yourself as inferior in some way.
I really hope that makes sense in the way that I meant it. |
it did make sense and i did not take it as you saying you, personally, feel that way about me, only that this could be a hello shadow type of mirror moment (if any of that intended meaning stuff was about choosing your words with some care out of respect, i'm quite grateful - if not, that's a silly thing for me to say). i do have some inferiority stuff that i'm still working through. i don't believe i'm evil and i'm not as controlling as i used to be. but there is often a residue, when we start getting cocky about how we finished dealing with something the universe usually humbles us.
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Originally Posted by cylon Basically, we are always growing and learning and sometimes when we see an issue within ourselves that we choose to move beyond, consciously it is not surprising to get plenty of "hits" from the universe that basically say "so you want to dwell on this subject? Here you go. Deal with it."
In other words, when things fall apart, quite often it's a sign that you are actually breaking through old barriers, and that's the rubble laying around your feet. |
how poetic that was.
i was not active on that site for a while, and when i first became active again i asked what was going on since there seemed to be a lot of squabbling and sniping. the person who did the most attacking of me had been laying into someone else. i don't know how much of it is about me and my stuff and how much is him and his stuff, that's something that confuses me in situations like this.
he did help me own a part of myself that prefers to go off on people and roll around in the mud sometimes. sometimes i do repress the inner b*tch (scorpios can strike with amazing efficiency and i got tired of hurting people just because i could). sometimes when i help people it's partly because they ask and partly because it feels good for me to know i helped (actually that's pretty much all the time).
i saw your post earlier and decided to wait on a response, both to sidestep any desire to do the defensive 'no way that's true' thing and to let my subconscious ponder the things you were saying. most people don't like to admit they feel inferior unless they feed on negative attention/pity parties. and i find myself triggered in an intense way when i come across someone who seems needy and clingy, so i think that's a shadow self thing as well (not so much about being typically feminine... before you go there
... more about a fear of being vulnerable).
so part of this is me, part of it is him, and part of it is the community in that place growing as a group and trying to figure out how much room to allow for those individuals who don't share a pro-love worldview.
i'll face the fear of vulnerability to tell whoever is reading this that the attack (which i allowed at some level) last night ended up making me cry. i didn't feel like it was deserved, and it was painful for me to stoop to the level of telling that person he could kiss my a** and later saying if he values authenticity, he can kiss my authentic a**. getting that negative and combative feels a wee bit unnatural for me. but it does bring me to a place of greater balance. i started this thread to get ideas on other ways to approach such encounters in case i would rather not retaliate if it happens again.
thanks for your post cylon and i welcome additional ideas/feedback from you and others here.