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Betrade · 11-03-2009, 12:22 AM

I actually read through almost every post in tis thread over the last few days.

Wow. There are so many opinions. Anyway, I just want to say that my previous comments are based on my own experiences with not only my own separation, but lots of others involving friends and family. I don't mean to be judgmental at all.

I do agree with the last poster that I think it's saddening in a way, but it saddens me to see almost any family split for my own personal reasons; based on the pains I have seen suffered mostly by children more so than adults, but adults have their pains to deal with as well. I just have a big heart for kids and hate to see any kid suffer or go through things that they probably never believed they would ever have to go through.

But; none of us know all of the details and the whole story because it's not happening to us. We're on the outside looking in; and I guess it it's only natural to project at least some our own opinions and biases based on our own experiences. That's only natural because that's really all we have to base our opinions on.

I just hope it works out for the best for everyone involved; especially the kids; because kids just don't have the mature coping mechanisms or life experiences that adults do and it usually IS a bigger deal for them in most cases than it is for adults who have already learned some of life's more painful lessons and how to get through them. They have to sorta' grow up faster than they may otherwise would have.

It sounds like yours was a great marriage. I guess all I can say now is that I hope your divorce goes as good as your marriage did; because it sounds like it truly was a good one for quite a long time.

My one major disagreement (and this is my own opinion; not a projection) is that I believe that when we have kids, we DO have to sometimes make sacrifices regarding our own personal happiness whether we like it or not because we created these little people; and they need us. They need our love; and our time. That's really mostly what they want in a nutshell. We chose to make them; and they don't come with any guarantee that life will always be happy once they arrive.

I can recall many a sleepless night where one or more kids, or my wife (who had and still has health issues) may have been sick, running out in the middle of the night to get medicine or whatever, a few trips to the ER; another time when I was the only one in a family of 6 who didn't catch the flu and had to care for all of them for about 4-5 days.

Cleaning up vomit from 5 violently ill people isn't exactly what I call happiness, but I did what I had to do and they needed me to do it. There are MANY other examples like this that involved sacrificing my personal happiness. For instance; my youngest boy was lead poisoned and we had to get the whole family out of the house immediately in case there was a major bio hazard. We had to move everybody into another house that cost me twice as much to pay for, but I was happy that the kids were safe. It had nothing to do with any personal happiness. It was totally inconvenient and sacrifices had to be made; and they were. But, they were more than worth it.

My son got better and stayed safe from that time forward. We all really missed that house too because it was on a 25 acre farm; just my kind of place, but, I had to sacrifice my happiness in that regard for the well being of the whole family; again, something much bigger than me or my personal happiness.

But, when I look back at the bigger picture and the countless other examples of what we went through that may have seemed like "negative" experiences at the time, I have to say that those kinds of experiences were actually extremely rewarding and showed just how close we all were and where our priorities truly were at the time. The well being of everyone; especially the kids was the top priority, and being part of something bigger than "me", or my marriage itself was an awesome experience, despite any difficulties. I remember the first night at the new house when nothing was unpacked and we all camped out in the living room. That's a great memory and was a really fun time for everyone; despite all of those crazy; and even dangerous things that led us there.

I not only learned a great deal, but experienced a great deal of joy through whatever sacrifices had to sometimes be made. It is possible believe it or not. I'll always believe that real love always involves some sacrifice, at some point, on someone's part. There's almost no way around it long term.

I would do it all over again in a heart beat because the joy far outweighed any hardships. Although my wife and I grew apart some years later and split up as well, I have no true deep regrets that would cause me not to do it all over again.

So, I just hope that this search for more happiness for everyone is worth the risk you're all willing to take to find it; and I hope and pray that those kids come out okay and that they don't EVER lose any sense of security or stability.

I wish you all the best, and like I said above, I truly hope your divorce is as successful as your marriage was; because you have described it as a very loving and honest relationship. I assume you'll keep everyone posted as much as you can without violating the privacy of your kids and one another. Good Luck.

11-03-2009, 12:22 AM	#381 (permalink)
Betrade Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Granite, MD Posts: 311	I actually read through almost every post in tis thread over the last few days. Wow. There are so many opinions. Anyway, I just want to say that my previous comments are based on my own experiences with not only my own separation, but lots of others involving friends and family. I don't mean to be judgmental at all. I do agree with the last poster that I think it's saddening in a way, but it saddens me to see almost any family split for my own personal reasons; based on the pains I have seen suffered mostly by children more so than adults, but adults have their pains to deal with as well. I just have a big heart for kids and hate to see any kid suffer or go through things that they probably never believed they would ever have to go through. But; none of us know all of the details and the whole story because it's not happening to us. We're on the outside looking in; and I guess it it's only natural to project at least some our own opinions and biases based on our own experiences. That's only natural because that's really all we have to base our opinions on. I just hope it works out for the best for everyone involved; especially the kids; because kids just don't have the mature coping mechanisms or life experiences that adults do and it usually IS a bigger deal for them in most cases than it is for adults who have already learned some of life's more painful lessons and how to get through them. They have to sorta' grow up faster than they may otherwise would have. It sounds like yours was a great marriage. I guess all I can say now is that I hope your divorce goes as good as your marriage did; because it sounds like it truly was a good one for quite a long time. My one major disagreement (and this is my own opinion; not a projection) is that I believe that when we have kids, we DO have to sometimes make sacrifices regarding our own personal happiness whether we like it or not because we created these little people; and they need us. They need our love; and our time. That's really mostly what they want in a nutshell. We chose to make them; and they don't come with any guarantee that life will always be happy once they arrive. I can recall many a sleepless night where one or more kids, or my wife (who had and still has health issues) may have been sick, running out in the middle of the night to get medicine or whatever, a few trips to the ER; another time when I was the only one in a family of 6 who didn't catch the flu and had to care for all of them for about 4-5 days. Cleaning up vomit from 5 violently ill people isn't exactly what I call happiness, but I did what I had to do and they needed me to do it. There are MANY other examples like this that involved sacrificing my personal happiness. For instance; my youngest boy was lead poisoned and we had to get the whole family out of the house immediately in case there was a major bio hazard. We had to move everybody into another house that cost me twice as much to pay for, but I was happy that the kids were safe. It had nothing to do with any personal happiness. It was totally inconvenient and sacrifices had to be made; and they were. But, they were more than worth it. My son got better and stayed safe from that time forward. We all really missed that house too because it was on a 25 acre farm; just my kind of place, but, I had to sacrifice my happiness in that regard for the well being of the whole family; again, something much bigger than me or my personal happiness. But, when I look back at the bigger picture and the countless other examples of what we went through that may have seemed like "negative" experiences at the time, I have to say that those kinds of experiences were actually extremely rewarding and showed just how close we all were and where our priorities truly were at the time. The well being of everyone; especially the kids was the top priority, and being part of something bigger than "me", or my marriage itself was an awesome experience, despite any difficulties. I remember the first night at the new house when nothing was unpacked and we all camped out in the living room. That's a great memory and was a really fun time for everyone; despite all of those crazy; and even dangerous things that led us there. I not only learned a great deal, but experienced a great deal of joy through whatever sacrifices had to sometimes be made. It is possible believe it or not. I'll always believe that real love always involves some sacrifice, at some point, on someone's part. There's almost no way around it long term. I would do it all over again in a heart beat because the joy far outweighed any hardships. Although my wife and I grew apart some years later and split up as well, I have no true deep regrets that would cause me not to do it all over again. So, I just hope that this search for more happiness for everyone is worth the risk you're all willing to take to find it; and I hope and pray that those kids come out okay and that they don't EVER lose any sense of security or stability. I wish you all the best, and like I said above, I truly hope your divorce is as successful as your marriage was; because you have described it as a very loving and honest relationship. I assume you'll keep everyone posted as much as you can without violating the privacy of your kids and one another. Good Luck.