Thank you both for your replies, they make absolute sense and tonight they both came round and when he had left the room she asked me if I "hated her" after what she told me the other night and I replied that "I don't want to talk about it, not now" which gave her the the jist, I will explain it to her at a better moment, we have enough of a verbal short hand for it to make sense until then.
I didn't want any drama or for him to get caught in any crossfire, they left earlier than usual (her request) and she seemed a little stand offish but not argumentative.
I wouldnt say she was emotionally vampiric, I've known people like that and she doesnt quite fit the type but she can get cold and aggresive at times and can be quick to criticise, only people who are real close though (boyfriends) also why would she be testing me? and don't fear I would never go back, it was a hard and necessary decision when we broke up (divorced) which has only helped me grow since.
I do feel that even we had broken up a couple of years ago there were parts of our relationship that didn't change and maybe because I know what she can be like if you have "failed" in someway I feel protective over him and don't want him to take what she says to heart as if he is all wrong, it can be easy to believe the propaganda as it where.
Just got a text from her, thanking me for tonight (Halloween dinner and movie) ...hope she's not being sarcastic after what I said to her
I do feel a little mixture of hope and sadness right now which is better than I have felt in a week, I haven't even carved my Pumpkin this year
I will maintain a friendly distance and I know it will be hard as I feel others pain quite acutely at times and since a child have always been "fixing" things.
Happy Halloween