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Betrade · 10-30-2009, 01:49 PM

If I were younger, I may consider getting involved with a woman with kids; but that would depend on the woman and what type of relationship we had. I actually married someone with two. But now, I'm older and if the kids are grown, it wouldn't be that a big deal, but I'm done raising small kids.

I've been with several women going through divorce. One of the divorces was a bit ugly, the other wasn't that big a deal because there were no kids involved. Every case is different. You can't really judge all divorced people based on one experience; you can only judge your experience with that particular guy. It sounds like you just got hooked up with a really insecure and jealous guy, and he may have been that way before he was married or became a father.

If his wife cheated on him, then maybe that's where the trust issues come form; OR, HE may have cheated on her, and that could be where they come from. That does happen because people who know that they're capable of cheating find it very easy to assume that anyone can and/or will at some point.

It's really hard to say without knowing all of the facts, and it sounds like this particular guy wasn't completely honest with you to begin with.

I was dating a girl a few years ago and before we did anything whatsoever (before our first date), I said to her; "Lemme" tell all about all of my red flags and baggage". I was married for years and have two kids. I basically said something like

"I was married for 12 years and have four kids, two of my own and two step kids that I raised. The separation has been ugly at times; my financial situaton sucks at present because most of what I make goes to the ex wife and kids."

She asked me if had had cheated on my wife and I told her "no; never did, never would". I told her I'm not the jealous type but I do need someone I can trust because my wife DID cheat on me. That was pretty much it. I then answered every question she asked me completely honestly. There's no point in hiding what will come out eventually anyway; at least, that's the way I see it.

I think if people would just admit that they have issues (who doesn't??) and get them out in the open from the start; it's easier on everybody and may even save everyone involved some pain and suffering, or at the very least; wasted time.

When I said "red flags"; I meant reasons that she may want to reconsider getting involved with me because of the situation I was in at the time. I gave her every opportunity to back out, and she respected that. In fact, she was very impressed I think. I felt that that was only fair and I still believe that this is the best approach. Lies and deception only lead to more lies and deception.

It didn't work out between us, but neither she or I had any hard feelings either because she knew up front what she was getting into. There were basically no surprises and we're still friends because neither of us did anything wrong toward one another.

But, I'm basically a very honest person; but not everyone is. It sounds like the dude you get involved with just wasn't. maybe he wasn't even honest with himself. Some of his issues probably had nothing to do with you personally.

Also, if someone has kids, they usually love those kids more than anything or anybody. Many married men can attest to going from "first" to "second" after the kids come along and it commonly applies to men as well.

Honestly, there's no woman on this earth I'll ever love more than my kids, and if they can't handle that, oh well. It's a completely different type of love, but it runs very deep. That doesn't mean that I can't fully love a woman; not at all, but if it came to saving my girlfriends life or my kids, I would let the girlfriend die first. That sounds cold, but like I said; I'm honest; sometimes to a fault.

That type of scenario is highly unlikely to ever happen and I'll probably never have to choose between allowing my kids or girlfriend to die; or have make that choice; but I would lay down my life for my kids. I would have done the same for their mother at one time as well.

Lots of people "over 30" as you said are single for lots of different reasons too. It's not as cut and dry as you may think.Personally; I would be very hard pressed to actually marry anyone again because I have no reason to. I'm definitely not fathering anymore kids, so why should I legally bind myself to anyone again?? It's just too hard and too costly to get out of IMO; and the courts are set up in a way that favors women. No offense, but that's just the way it is. If they made marriage as hard to get into as it is to get out, the divorce rate would probably plummet.

But overall, a divorce where kids are involved is just a messy; or at the very least; complicated situation by nature, no matter how "nice" (or not) the parents are toward one another. The baggage is there simply because of what took place and it's almost impossible to just pretend it isn't.

One in particular dear friend of mine is divorced with two kids; who are now grown. She also has her own baggage, and for some reason, the men she has gotten involved with haven't appreciated or loved her enough to marry her.

She's one of the few people I know who can relate to my own marriage/separation/divorce experience and "gets it". It's hard to fully understand until you've been there. In my position, it's been kinda' hard to find someone willing to accept me and my kids.

It's really no different with men than it is with women when the children live with the man or spend a great deal of time with their father. It's the same exact scenario and it can be hard for single fathers to find women willing to take on kids and an ex wife. It's not that surprising when you think about it.

When you get seriously involved with ANYONE; their problems become your problems, so many people choose not to take on more problems. It's usually not personal, it's just a matter of convenience vs inconvenience and whether or not someone really loves another person enough to take on those kinds of challenges.

I guess you should just be glad you didn't marry the guy and become his second ex wife.

10-30-2009, 01:49 PM	#9 (permalink)
Betrade Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Granite, MD Posts: 311	If I were younger, I may consider getting involved with a woman with kids; but that would depend on the woman and what type of relationship we had. I actually married someone with two. But now, I'm older and if the kids are grown, it wouldn't be that a big deal, but I'm done raising small kids. I've been with several women going through divorce. One of the divorces was a bit ugly, the other wasn't that big a deal because there were no kids involved. Every case is different. You can't really judge all divorced people based on one experience; you can only judge your experience with that particular guy. It sounds like you just got hooked up with a really insecure and jealous guy, and he may have been that way before he was married or became a father. If his wife cheated on him, then maybe that's where the trust issues come form; OR, HE may have cheated on her, and that could be where they come from. That does happen because people who know that they're capable of cheating find it very easy to assume that anyone can and/or will at some point. It's really hard to say without knowing all of the facts, and it sounds like this particular guy wasn't completely honest with you to begin with. I was dating a girl a few years ago and before we did anything whatsoever (before our first date), I said to her; "Lemme" tell all about all of my red flags and baggage". I was married for years and have two kids. I basically said something like "I was married for 12 years and have four kids, two of my own and two step kids that I raised. The separation has been ugly at times; my financial situaton sucks at present because most of what I make goes to the ex wife and kids." She asked me if had had cheated on my wife and I told her "no; never did, never would". I told her I'm not the jealous type but I do need someone I can trust because my wife DID cheat on me. That was pretty much it. I then answered every question she asked me completely honestly. There's no point in hiding what will come out eventually anyway; at least, that's the way I see it. I think if people would just admit that they have issues (who doesn't??) and get them out in the open from the start; it's easier on everybody and may even save everyone involved some pain and suffering, or at the very least; wasted time. When I said "red flags"; I meant reasons that she may want to reconsider getting involved with me because of the situation I was in at the time. I gave her every opportunity to back out, and she respected that. In fact, she was very impressed I think. I felt that that was only fair and I still believe that this is the best approach. Lies and deception only lead to more lies and deception. It didn't work out between us, but neither she or I had any hard feelings either because she knew up front what she was getting into. There were basically no surprises and we're still friends because neither of us did anything wrong toward one another. But, I'm basically a very honest person; but not everyone is. It sounds like the dude you get involved with just wasn't. maybe he wasn't even honest with himself. Some of his issues probably had nothing to do with you personally. Also, if someone has kids, they usually love those kids more than anything or anybody. Many married men can attest to going from "first" to "second" after the kids come along and it commonly applies to men as well. Honestly, there's no woman on this earth I'll ever love more than my kids, and if they can't handle that, oh well. It's a completely different type of love, but it runs very deep. That doesn't mean that I can't fully love a woman; not at all, but if it came to saving my girlfriends life or my kids, I would let the girlfriend die first. That sounds cold, but like I said; I'm honest; sometimes to a fault. That type of scenario is highly unlikely to ever happen and I'll probably never have to choose between allowing my kids or girlfriend to die; or have make that choice; but I would lay down my life for my kids. I would have done the same for their mother at one time as well. Lots of people "over 30" as you said are single for lots of different reasons too. It's not as cut and dry as you may think.Personally; I would be very hard pressed to actually marry anyone again because I have no reason to. I'm definitely not fathering anymore kids, so why should I legally bind myself to anyone again?? It's just too hard and too costly to get out of IMO; and the courts are set up in a way that favors women. No offense, but that's just the way it is. If they made marriage as hard to get into as it is to get out, the divorce rate would probably plummet. But overall, a divorce where kids are involved is just a messy; or at the very least; complicated situation by nature, no matter how "nice" (or not) the parents are toward one another. The baggage is there simply because of what took place and it's almost impossible to just pretend it isn't. One in particular dear friend of mine is divorced with two kids; who are now grown. She also has her own baggage, and for some reason, the men she has gotten involved with haven't appreciated or loved her enough to marry her. She's one of the few people I know who can relate to my own marriage/separation/divorce experience and "gets it". It's hard to fully understand until you've been there. In my position, it's been kinda' hard to find someone willing to accept me and my kids. It's really no different with men than it is with women when the children live with the man or spend a great deal of time with their father. It's the same exact scenario and it can be hard for single fathers to find women willing to take on kids and an ex wife. It's not that surprising when you think about it. When you get seriously involved with ANYONE; their problems become your problems, so many people choose not to take on more problems. It's usually not personal, it's just a matter of convenience vs inconvenience and whether or not someone really loves another person enough to take on those kinds of challenges. I guess you should just be glad you didn't marry the guy and become his second ex wife. Last edited by Betrade; 10-30-2009 at 01:53 PM.