oh ok, sensitive childhood stuff... that's fine to talk about in a private message if you are reluctant for a bunch of people to see. this place is anonymous but i understand we aren't always comfortable with a bunch of people knowing things even if it is anonymous. and i'm guessing there's some type of trauma involved, so if you want to keep that private that's fine and i'm sorry i was being difficult about it.
i'll watch for the next thing from you, whether it's here in this thread or in a PM.
the thing about the sadness and loneliness is it is temporary. when i remember that they are acting for my highest good, if it's after a very long period of connecting many times a day then it may take a minute for me to create my own joy, but that's a big part of it too. not relying on anything but internal resources for joy. i mean, socializing or a fun game or something sure that's great too if it gives a little something extra, but the idea is when they get quiet (because i asked them to) they help me remember i have good coping skills. and they will always come in if i need to hear something, like if i would possibly be in danger or something. that doesn't change. they still connect for important things. but it's about a want vs. a need. if i really need them, they are there, but if i just want them because i'm depending on them too much, they know i've asked them to back off a little when that happens. i don't know if i am explaining this very well.
if you had a childhood that was hard, i hope you have developed or are working on a support system that also includes some physical level things like friends or a trusted mentor, things like that. just makes it easier when we have a difficult day, and might take away some of that pressure i still sense you have related to your friend. almost like yes, she is a good friend to you, but part of it is you feel like you *need* her. not just nice to have around. and if you developed some more physical-level ways to feel supported, maybe that need would not be as strong... and i may totally misunderstand that.
i hope you have a nice evening and a good night's rest.
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