Hi,
this is something I've been about to write for a while.
I have a problem and it's pretty hard to describe. In short: should I end my relationship or not?
Some background:
I'm a 23-year-old guy whose puberty took place very late. It didn't do any good to my self-esteem. It made me reserved and I became somewhat outsider. In my twenties I realized I'm pretty good looking guy. Plenty of women seemed interested but I was too reserved and had no idea what to do. In 2007 my conclusion was that it's just courage what I'm missing.
So I tried to train that. Got a "girlfriend" for a while but never ended up having sex with her. In May 2008 I asked a wonderful girl out. She rejected me. In August I decided to talk a random person every day for a month. I found it awesome. At the same time I became aware of the pick up culture. So soon I had joined an online community and there I continued my project to get rid of my ridiculous social phobias. I kept a public journal there and they encouraged me and told me what I was doing wrong. I was surprised how popular it became- I was surprised how popular I became at the University and pretty much everywhere I went. Soon there were more girls around me than I could have imagined.
Finally in 2009 I lost my virginity (at the age of 23). With the girl who had rejected me in May 2008.
I got the girl I had liked the most from the very start. We have been together for 9 months now.
And back to the problem...
What annoys me in the current: this relationship decreases my social life. I can't be as free as I would like to be. How? I can't talk with people the way I did. Just ask a random girl for a coffee for example. That's because 1) the girl I'm asking will consider that as flirting, 2) my girlfriend considers that as flirting and 3) maybe I actually am flirting (lol).
Picking up women gave me the key to get among people. And now it has been taken away from me. It wasn't just women. I got to know men too this way. This is the best way to get friends so far. And why can't I do it now? Well, maybe I have just lost my courage. I don't feel free enough to get to know people as much as I want to (this is especially true when I'm out with my girlfriend). Or maybe I have just lost a purpose. Nothing forces me to be socially courageous. Picking up women was at the same time an excuse to get friends.
It's also difficult to tolerate the idea that this is the only girl I'm going to have sex with in my entire life. Ok, this is my ego talking. But here's the catch: being with this girl in the first place was also ego based. Like showing to the world that I can have a girlfriend. To look normal.
And one thing more: She wants children. Certainly not now but one day. (In 5 years or more.) I feel myself too young and too irresponsible to even think about it. I feel I'm not ready for any of this. The problem: We are a wonderful match. She's like my best friend and my lover at the same time. And when it's like this there's no such a great urge to get among people anymore. The consequence is... my happiness level varies a bit too much according to how my girlfriend happens to act.
Maybe I'm addicted to the positive attention I get from people.
I never thought it this far... it was an absurd idea enough to lose my virginity. I never really decided to start a relationship. It just happened that way. I've been considering whether I should be in this or not almost from the start.
Courage rocks. Screwing up rocks. Clinging to safety does not. I've tried to point my courage elsewhere but... well... It's just not that fun. (Yes, I do have other passions in my life but they don't have much to do with people.) Every day back then was either a victory or a defeat and I enjoyed both. Courage was like cash you could you buy Life with. And every person around was a walking opportunity. This pua thing might have messed up my head but it has done a way more good than bad to me.
I feel like I need fresh air. I need a fresh start. With or without her. I love life too much. I don't want to waste my life by being stuck. The foundation of this relationship was a bit shaky. It's like I need room to become the person I'm about to become.
In next spring my girlfriend going abroad for 5 months. That sucks. Or it gives me a great opportunity to live without women for a while. But the question is: should I leave her or not?
(If someone managed to read this far, I'd appreciate any comments.
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