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Originally Posted by Coffeesmurf  I think that's a pretty simplistic way of putting it. It's not unlike saying that women who were sexually or physically abused during childhood can just choose not to be with their abusive or emotionally unavailable husband now. Change doesn't happen overnight and you don't just choose to reverse the way you've behaved your entire life. Most "nice guys" have been conditioned to be that way since early childhood, often because of poor father figures and not being allowed to fully express their masculinity. |
i'm not trying to imply the proverbial 'nice guy' is not a product of conditioning. those who provide the conditioning are involved in the issue as well. and i'm not trying to say change is easy either. but we still have a choice - to continue acting with our current patterns of thinking and behaving, or to choose a different approach. that's really all i meant. i don't mean to minimize the emotional tangle that is involved in the behavior. and i worked with sexual abuse survivors so i understand the choice to leave can be hard, but they do still have that choice.
there is still a moment where you make a choice to change, and the process of change can be pretty difficult, you can backtrack, etc. but there's still a moment of choice in any experience. even when you act on unconscious patterns, that's still a choice. not a conscious one, obviously, but a choice at some level.