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Originally Posted by cylon  And dating a BPD for a nice guy is almost mandatory. I know I did it. |
Good to know I'm not alone
The relationship didn't last for that long, but I did get a taste of how strong you have to be emotionally to be able to handle being in a relationship with a girl with Borderline. I consider myself lucky that she dumped me since I know I would have stayed with her through some pretty horrible stuff, being the proverbial "nice guy" back then. I even knew she had been diagnosed with BPD when we started seeing each other. I have a lot of empathy for women with mental health problems - but I'll never knowingly date one again.
I've done a lot of work on myself since then and I'm dating a great woman, without self-esteem problems now. I'm amazed at how simple it can all be
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But I think in the last year or so the term "nice guy" is being seen for what it is and that's a good thing, whereas it used to be a virtue.
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I guess it's just a question of terminology.. that's why I use quotes around it, since there's a difference between "nice" guys and genuinely nice guys.
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a nice guy, or the proverbial nice guy people pleaser, may put up with more than he has to, but that's really his choice isn't it?
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I think that's a pretty simplistic way of putting it. It's not unlike saying that women who were sexually or physically abused during childhood can just choose not to be with their abusive or emotionally unavailable husband now. Change doesn't happen overnight and you don't just choose to reverse the way you've behaved your entire life. Most "nice guys" have been conditioned to be that way since early childhood, often because of poor father figures and not being allowed to fully express their masculinity. I grew up with a feminist mother, which certainly didn't help things any..
"Nice guy" behavior can be changed, but it's not by any means easy to do and it requires constant vigilance not to fall into the old way of doing things.
Personally, after one demonstration too many of women falling for "bad boys", who treat them like dirt, I considered developing more machiavellian traits - and unfortunately I think a lot of "nice guys" go that route. That's just going from one unhealthy way of being to another - although the latter is more likely to get you what you want
I couldn't do it, since it's really not in my nature and I realised that I didn't have to change my personality. I needed to develop more self-confidence and the belief that I'm not "defective" in a way that requires me to cling to whatever woman I'm with - because it would be impossible to find someone else who could love me. I think that's sometimes the basis of the neediness of "nice guys" in relationships.
Find your passion, follow it and never put a romantic relationship before everything else..