Steve,
I had the experience of being the child of a divorce when I was 6 years old. I am still haunted by the night my mom sat us down and told us that my dad wouldn't be living with us anymore. I remember it in technicolor. I remember feeling that it was my fault and that I wasn't good enough to have my dad stick around to share my life. That feeling stayed with me for many many years. As an adult, I can see that wasn't reality, but as a kid that's how I processed it. Most accounts of adult children of divorced families report the same experience/feelings. There is no stronger emotional impression in my life than the experience of not having my father around while I grew up. I'm mostly over it now 32 years later.
I've never felt compelled to participate in your forums. Steve, I sincerely hope that you are aware of the massively important role you play in your children's emotional growth and sense of themselves in the world, whether you physically live with them or not. The most important thing you can do to help them become the very best version of themselves is to give them the unshakable foundation of knowing that they are loved and lovable. Erin can't do it all by herself. This is on you whether you are fully aware of it or not.
There's nothing that can do more to give them that sense of being loved and feeling lovable than actually physically being there in there life, loving them as much as possible. Phone calls and an occasional weekend (or longer) together won't do it. You will have to figure out what works best in your situation, but I hope you take this note to heart and really figure out what you can do to make sure you can give that to your kids.
A final thought - if you believe that relationships are a mirror (you may not), do you see anything in the mirror of your relationship with Erin that you are denying to accept in yourself? Does your separation really even have anything to do with the reasons you gave, or is it possible that (unconsciously) you want to have these reasons which act as a cover for not having to confront/accept something in yourself that you are (unconsciously) denying?
-Ryan
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