hey, I'd love to hear some advice on how to get rid of negative thoughts and just these freaking blocks that always pop up in my head on the way to getting what I want..
I have already posted a little about it, but since this is a matter that takes most of my thoughts at the moment - I'll share it again.
In april this year I decided that I'll try to get an internship abroad. Starting back then and until september I was (and still am) feeling lost in life, I hated my job by that time and felt that I was just wasting time there not growing anymore and hardly making any money (but I stayed because I at least had a job while many of my friends were losing theirs due to economical situation), I felt that I'm not in the right place here in this city.. I've lived abroad for some time and loved it, but always came back home coz I wanted to try and settle down blah blah blah... didn't work out... after some time I start having this burning feeling inside calling me somewhere for a more interesting and non ordinary life, plus smth happened in my personal life in spring too that made me really want to run away and forget (ya know
) so I decided to look for internship.. back then it was more to being able to escape, I hoped for a longer period, but was concerning shorter options too.. I only had preferences about countries..
so I send lots of applications, none of them work out, I'm getting desperate, then I watch "Secret" and find this blog and forum and start reading a lot on PD, I'm trying to let go and keep applying.. in july I apply for an internship that was only for 3 months (maybe 5-6 but not for sure) but I liked the country and it was paid and in the field I want to work in... the process took about 2 months and they chose someone else in the end. Although I do remember having like a flash in my mind "you'll get this internship" and I suddenly felt really relaxed (believe me I've spent more than 6 months already under stress and uncertainty) and then I get an e-mail saying I wasn't selected. I sign and keep applying and keep hating my job and keep feeling that I'm in the wrong place..
Then all of a sudden I meet a friend who offers me a good position here in my city and well paid, I decide to take it without thinking (as I really wanted to leave my old job), but I kept applying for internships and I still want to go.
And after 2 weeks in a new job I get an e-mail from that company I applied for intership in telling me that the other person got sick and they offer the opportunity to me... I was shocked (I should say in that couple days LOA really amazed me, I manifested so many smaller things in a row, it was amazing).. now I had a dilemma, on the one hand I really wanted the internship, but on the other - I wanted a long one (as I'd have to leave my current job) and this one was only for 3 months like I said. If that time I still was at my previous job, I'd have taken this internship most probably, now I thought if I have a somewhat good job here I can look for smth better and save more money...
so after having a really hard thinking process (I'm terrible at making decisions) I told them that if they don't find anyone else in like couple weeks they can contact me again (I guess I just found a way to get rid of the responsibility for making this decision)... they didn't e-mail yet and they probably won't...
now, HAVE I MADE A RIGHT DECISION???? I have asked the Universe and it gave me what I wanted (only I asked for a LONG-TERM intership, but like I said was looking into shorter ones too just in case) and looks like I wasn't brave enough to take it.. I mean after 3 months I'd have been put into the same position again - I know I wouldn't want to come back and I wouldn't have a job here anymore, so I thought it might be logical to wait a little more for a better option... now I'm worried what if Universe won't give me a second chance? :S
I'm trying to figure out what it had to tell me by this accident with another candidate getting sick? to prove that anything is possible in a way and time you don't even expect? or was it for me to actually take it even if it didn't seem like the best option at first?..
Should we grab the first thing or wait for something better that REALLY matches to want we REALLY want?...
and I also have a problem that I'm getting so excited dreaming of having what I want (and I know I want it), but when it gets closer I start worrying if this is a best decision, if this really makes me happy, maybe it's better to be "safe", what if there is something better coming if you wait.. you know all kinds of these questions and it really annoys me...
didnmt want to make this long, but... didn't work out
would love to hear some encouragement and advices