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Originally Posted by Bamboo Moon  I know this is probably a question only I can really answer for myself, but I find myself wondering what it means to love someone. I have been with my husband for 13 years (since I was 22) and I get the sense that he loves me more than I love him. He's a good man, and we don't fight much, but when we do I feel like I just want him out of my life. He seems. . . weak. Both of us have had issues with depression in the past, but I feel like I am doing much more to manage my predisposition to it and to change myself for the better. But I don't want to change myself for him.
He wants intimacy, affection, (sexual and otherwise) and says he feels like a roommate, that I don't really need him. And in way, I don't. I know if I was on my own, I would survive. And I'm not afraid to be alone. What I am afraid of is to be someone's nursemaid. Yet I have also been trying to figure out my career path and I want that to be for the greater good--why do I have more compassion for strangers than the man I married?
I'm not going anywhere for awhile, I'm pregnant and have a child already. But new baby aside, I don't want to be with someone for another 10 years if the relationship doesn't have the potential to be a 10. And I wrestle with thoughts of "Am I an arrogant ♥♥♥♥♥?" because he thinks I don't care about him. He has said that if I loved him, I would rub his back and want sex more. And I am tired, so tired, of him feeling lonely and unloved and doing nothing about it except to tell me so. |
i agree with most of what's already been said here. healthy love wants, it does not 'need.' needing to be needed by your partner is often a sign of codependency. living with someone that long, it is common and normal to feel a bit of a rut if both people aren't continuing to make an effort to keep the spark. i get the feeling from your post, Bamboo Moon, that you are irritated with him for seeming needy, clingy, and spineless. you said you both have had issues with depression in the past. then you're probably aware that a short fuse can be a sign of mood stuff. i am curious about what you do to manage the predisposition - are these things he can do as well? and do you express this to him, this feeling like you are doing more of the work? although many people do this anyway, it's not really fair to get incredibly frustrated with someone for a behavior if we haven't come out and said, in a respectful way, that we are not happy with the behavior.
oh, about SmartAlx's post... women can show a man we are proud without looking up to them. you didn't marry your father, you married your husband. and it is totally ok that you don't need your husband. but it sounds like you have moments where you don't want him either, which is common, but it must be at least a little bothersome or you wouldn't have posted here.
what else could your husband do about feeling lonely and unloved? yes, he is responsible for his own feelings, and he can pull some of the weight in the relationship. ideally, relationships involve some degree of compromise. communication is also a biggie. have you told him you'd like to see him do some personal growth things instead of saying things that make you feel like you are responsible for his happiness?
you said you're afraid of being someone's nursemaid. understandable. but i think, reading your post, there might be something else going on there. i wonder if you're afraid of really jumping into this partnership with both feet. fear of intimacy is a common thing. sometimes people simply don't jump in completely so they can avoid the potential for feeling hurt from a relationship. i wonder if that's part of the issue here. of course, if you've been in the relationship for 13 years, this may not be part of it, unless you've felt he loved you more from the beginning.
i agree with those who suggested bringing these things up in front of a professional. i see some resentment there, and a counselor can help you both learn to communicate what you need and want more effectively, which ought to help with the resentment. a counselor can also help you both express your view of what the relationship ought to be - i'm thinking your husband may have a more traditional perspective than you do. or maybe some things are getting lost in translation.
it is not at all selfish to have your own desires and to honor them. love doesn't have to involve a sense of obligation. healthy love starts from the inside, and maybe your husband needs to start there. as he starts drawing love from within himself first and the relationship second, maybe you can do a 30 day trial of communicating your wants and needs a little more? or you can see what a counselor says.
good luck!