[ssandra]

Originally Posted by Bamboo Moon

But I don't want to change myself for him.

You should not. You should change yourself for you if you want to. Never for somebody else, that just won´t work.

He wants intimacy, affection, (sexual and otherwise) and says he feels like a roommate, that I don't really need him. And in way, I don't. I know if I was on my own, I would survive. And I'm not afraid to be alone.

I love my husband to death, but I don´t need him either. If I would be alone I would be hurting, but I would survive. I´m not afraid to be alone either. Yet, I still love my husband. Being with him is because of a choice, not a need. I feel this is better.

What I am afraid of is to be someone's nursemaid. Yet I have also been trying to figure out my career path and I want that to be for the greater good--why do I have more compassion for strangers than the man I married?

This is a simple one.. You already have one child and another on the way. You do not want your husband be number 3.
You are looking for a partner, somebody to share adult life with. Not somebody to take unequal care of.
This does not mean that you are a bad person, or that if something would happen and your husband would get ill you would not take care of him lovingly. Because you will...

But in day-to-day life you want a partner.

I'm not going anywhere for awhile, I'm pregnant and have a child already. But new baby aside, I don't want to be with someone for another 10 years if the relationship doesn't have the potential to be a 10.

And you deserve a 10! Don´t forget that and don´t feel guilty about it.

But a relationship and love is work. It doesn´t just happen. You (AND YOUR HUSBAND) have to both work on keeping the spark alive.

Make time to be alone, to go on dates, to tell each other how much you love eachother.

And I wrestle with thoughts of "Am I an arrogant ♥♥♥♥♥?" because he thinks I don't care about him. He has said that if I loved him, I would rub his back and want sex more. And I am tired, so tired, of him feeling lonely and unloved and doing nothing about it except to tell me so.

You are not an arrogant ♥♥♥♥♥. You just want a partner who takes equal responsabilty for the relationship, not somebody who puts it all on you.

Having sex and rubbing back might be a sign of love for him, it doesnt have to be a sign of love for you. Everybody is different that way.

For my husband it is me doing things, doing the dishes, rubbing his head, etc. For me it is hearing he loves me and getting small gifts.

In the beginning of the relationship I would tell him he loves me and buy small gifts and he would do things for me... And we would both feel very very unloved.
We talked about it, and now we try to do it the other way around. It works a lot better


I think it is time to sit down and have a good conversation with your husband. It might be a good idea to do this with a therapist to have an independant 3rd party in the room.

You both have to let each other know what it is you need. For you I guess that would be to feel more like your husband is a partner, somebody you can depend on, without being needy. There will most likely be other things as well, and that is ok.

He will also have some things that he needs from you and this relationship.

Than you will have to see how much of it can you give to each other. If there is something you cannot give you have to be honest about it (he as well). It can be a dealbreaker or not, but the other person has the right to know in advance what he is getting into.

Good luck!

And remember. You are not a ♥♥♥♥♥ or selfish. You just want a relationship based on equality and you have a right to that.