[rei]

do i know about using exercise to boost mood, with increased motivation as a side effect? do i know about using a lack of motivation to access a message we want to tell ourselves? do i know a lack of motivation to do something can be a way of telling ourselves the specific goal is not aligned with our true passion? do i know it takes more emotional energy to dread and avoid than it takes to go ahead and do something? do i know avoiding the action is a form of attaching to a biased opinion of something (i.e. the action) having an unpleasant quality?

yep.

that knowledge is adding another layer to the frustration. most of the time, i'm not too crazy about doing laundry or going through old clutter (this after i used to be a lil bit of a neat freak). i'm generally not too crazy about doing certain tasks that aren't as enjoyable as others. but my lack of motivation is getting out of hand. part of it is like a spiral of cause and effect... like many or most people, i have two 'modes' - i call them 'stop mode' and 'go mode' - if i have a long list of places i need to go and things i need to do, i muster the energy and motivation it takes to get them done, often tackling even more than what was necessary. that's my go mode. since the beginning of August, i've had fewer things to do. half of my classes are meeting online half the time, and in the previous semesters i had a grad assistantship (16 hours/week) on top of working 20 hours/week as an intern and 12-15 hours of course work. there were days i left the house at 7:15am and didn't return until 10pm. that's in pretty stark contrast to the incredibly laid pack schedule i have now.

at first i used this change in routine as an opportunity for some much-needed, much-deserved R&R. but i think there was a point somewhere in there where i got the rest i needed. rather than switch to a more active level again, perhaps doing some volunteer work to use my time in a meaningful way, i've developed some pretty lazy habits (i have been exercising, but it's not always consistent). i don't even get out of my pjs on some days (as an outsider, that may sound wonderful to you, but it's symbolic of these new patterns that aren't really serving my best interest). there are plenty of things i could do with my time, but i'd rather just play on the computer and watch Charmed DVDs. as i said, i did need some rest and i needed the opportunity to recharge. but that renewal process completed in some previous moment, and instead of switching to a more active level i've just been lounging. it's at a point where i don't have any desire to do even minor academic assignments. this is true even for the assignments and classes i'm actually interested in. i can tell myself about the ways to use my time, but the call of these new habits is enticing. intellectually, i understand this is basically an issue of modifying behavior. in practice, i'd rather play... all the time. and, this is hard to describe, but it's like i also have a feeling like i am suffocating and oppressing myself with these habits. you might think that would be enough to drive a change, but so far it's not. i just lounge around and get irked with myself for enforcing a pattern that feels oppressive.

so, i decided to ask you folks for some suggestions. i'd prefer specific ideas instead of the general 'you can do anything you put your mind to' stuff. i'm not saying those ideas aren't beneficial because they are. it's just... i think i need some specific ways to switch things around to get me out of my current pattern. merely thinking and feeling about it is probably not as helpful as acting. but a lazy lifestyle is not very open to acting. the lifestyle may not be, but i am. i'd like to overcome this pattern. what i'd really like is to overcome the pattern without swinging to the type A extreme that i remember from my past. so, thanks for reading and i hope you understand why i'm requesting specific suggestions as opposed to the generalized ones.