Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Is she not the one OR am I blocked and I don't know it? HELP!

peacefareast · 10-20-2009, 06:18 PM

thanks for the opinions and perspectives, first off, I'm grateful to james81 ar 81 and rei.
I have reflected on each reply, and will continue to do so.

we met at the therapist's office yesterday and we basically were at the same impasse we were at last week when we left. she said she's two feet in and wanting someone who is also in the same place. she said that she was hoping I would get there, but realized now that I wasn't there and to put that pressure on me was actually not helping.
I said I couldn't say that for myself, that i could be two feet in, although I did say that was 85% percent in, which by that I meant I everyday believe in it more and more. I told her that I felt there were other people's standards and expectations being placed on the relationship but I did understand where she was coming from.
even as I read what I just wrote, I realize that I believe in the possibility of relationship, maybe just not with her. its painful to look at that though.

I realize now that my own expectations of "how much I need to feel" and "where I should be at 3.5 years" were causing me to feel that the present was not okay and just where I am, that I'm doing pretty good after 30 some odd years of being locked in that abandonment/insecure attachment state.

I see the truth of ar81's insight into the abandonment issue, I'm working on forgiving my mother for just being who she could be not what I wanted her to be.
ar81 did say something that the therapist has been saying to me all along. It's simply a choice I have to make, to commit to saying i'm not leaving ever.
I just can't get myself to say that!

I can mentally see how REI's take on the control issue could certainly be the key to my sexual issues. I have had that happen over and over. When I feel anything remotely intimate with someone i know as a person, it seems the lock down comes calling. I guess that's why I have always looked to get the physical on first.
interesting that the thing I want the most, intimacy, is the thing I subconsciously/unconsciously may be avoiding the most for fear that it isn't going to last.
I'm going to see her tonight to see how we are going to proceed from here. she said she wants to move out and still see me??? I'm not cool with that. I suppose she just wants to lay off easy.

I said to her, "don't leave." she said "I haven't. you've just never been in."

10-20-2009, 06:18 PM	#5 (permalink)
peacefareast Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2	understanding more and more! thanks for the opinions and perspectives, first off, I'm grateful to james81 ar 81 and rei. I have reflected on each reply, and will continue to do so. we met at the therapist's office yesterday and we basically were at the same impasse we were at last week when we left. she said she's two feet in and wanting someone who is also in the same place. she said that she was hoping I would get there, but realized now that I wasn't there and to put that pressure on me was actually not helping. I said I couldn't say that for myself, that i could be two feet in, although I did say that was 85% percent in, which by that I meant I everyday believe in it more and more. I told her that I felt there were other people's standards and expectations being placed on the relationship but I did understand where she was coming from. even as I read what I just wrote, I realize that I believe in the possibility of relationship, maybe just not with her. its painful to look at that though. I realize now that my own expectations of "how much I need to feel" and "where I should be at 3.5 years" were causing me to feel that the present was not okay and just where I am, that I'm doing pretty good after 30 some odd years of being locked in that abandonment/insecure attachment state. I see the truth of ar81's insight into the abandonment issue, I'm working on forgiving my mother for just being who she could be not what I wanted her to be. ar81 did say something that the therapist has been saying to me all along. It's simply a choice I have to make, to commit to saying i'm not leaving ever. I just can't get myself to say that! I can mentally see how REI's take on the control issue could certainly be the key to my sexual issues. I have had that happen over and over. When I feel anything remotely intimate with someone i know as a person, it seems the lock down comes calling. I guess that's why I have always looked to get the physical on first. interesting that the thing I want the most, intimacy, is the thing I subconsciously/unconsciously may be avoiding the most for fear that it isn't going to last. I'm going to see her tonight to see how we are going to proceed from here. she said she wants to move out and still see me??? I'm not cool with that. I suppose she just wants to lay off easy. I said to her, "don't leave." she said "I haven't. you've just never been in."