Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Is she not the one OR am I blocked and I don't know it? HELP!

rei · 10-20-2009, 02:35 AM

James81 is a male, and since ar81 has spoken before about a wife, i think ar81 is also male. i'll offer a female perspective for balance.

i agree with James81. and, i think ar81 responded as if this were a marriage (even though, i do agree with what ar81 said about healing the old pain). it is not a marriage, that's one of the big issues. she wants a ring, you're not sure. after 3.5 years you would probably be sure my friend.

i think this relationship was really over around year 1, only both of you would rather cling to a sour relationship than face the idea of being alone/abandoned. you're both doing a lot to make it work, and it's still not working enough for you to see yourself making a marital commitment. you have already answered the question of staying or leaving.

i can see you are reflective and introspective... you are willing to look at your own stuff. i think you might resolve the sexual intimacy by figuring out where it started and why. many of us begin the seeds of romantic attachment with our opposite-sex parent (of course, this is not meant to be sexual, more like emotional intimacy). so i would guess you have some unresolved stuff with your mother. yes i'm getting a bit Freudian with ya. Freud was way out in left field with many things he said, but the significance of our attachment relationships is a valid thing.

you can't get from a partner what you don't give yourself. do you give yourself the type of deep love and satisfaction that is meant to find expression through sex in a relationship? does the idea of being smacked around turn you on (masochism)? sometimes that's just about being playful, sometimes it symbolizes how we actually think, at some level, we ought to be treated.

or it could be that you use sexual intimacy to control emotional intimacy... if you can't or won't satisfy your partner, the thinking may be that this will mean you push your partner away. pushing away a partner is not as scary as being abandoned for those who fear abandonment, because pushing someone away is like a conscious, controlled act of sabotage. being abandoned happens without having any control in the abandonment. and this sense of having no control can basically create a sense of impotence. so maybe you've just been granting tangible expression to an emotional feeling hm?

at any rate, you can already see this relationship is over. being single again will give you a chance to more deeply examine the root of this intimacy issue. that may sound counterintuitive at first, but once you get there you'll understand what i mean if you don't already.

10-20-2009, 02:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
rei Family Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: earth, everywhere and nowhere Posts: 9,713	James81 is a male, and since ar81 has spoken before about a wife, i think ar81 is also male. i'll offer a female perspective for balance. i agree with James81. and, i think ar81 responded as if this were a marriage (even though, i do agree with what ar81 said about healing the old pain). it is not a marriage, that's one of the big issues. she wants a ring, you're not sure. after 3.5 years you would probably be sure my friend. i think this relationship was really over around year 1, only both of you would rather cling to a sour relationship than face the idea of being alone/abandoned. you're both doing a lot to make it work, and it's still not working enough for you to see yourself making a marital commitment. you have already answered the question of staying or leaving. i can see you are reflective and introspective... you are willing to look at your own stuff. i think you might resolve the sexual intimacy by figuring out where it started and why. many of us begin the seeds of romantic attachment with our opposite-sex parent (of course, this is not meant to be sexual, more like emotional intimacy). so i would guess you have some unresolved stuff with your mother. yes i'm getting a bit Freudian with ya. Freud was way out in left field with many things he said, but the significance of our attachment relationships is a valid thing. you can't get from a partner what you don't give yourself. do you give yourself the type of deep love and satisfaction that is meant to find expression through sex in a relationship? does the idea of being smacked around turn you on (masochism)? sometimes that's just about being playful, sometimes it symbolizes how we actually think, at some level, we ought to be treated. or it could be that you use sexual intimacy to control emotional intimacy... if you can't or won't satisfy your partner, the thinking may be that this will mean you push your partner away. pushing away a partner is not as scary as being abandoned for those who fear abandonment, because pushing someone away is like a conscious, controlled act of sabotage. being abandoned happens without having any control in the abandonment. and this sense of having no control can basically create a sense of impotence. so maybe you've just been granting tangible expression to an emotional feeling hm? at any rate, you can already see this relationship is over. being single again will give you a chance to more deeply examine the root of this intimacy issue. that may sound counterintuitive at first, but once you get there you'll understand what i mean if you don't already.