Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Is she not the one OR am I blocked and I don't know it? HELP!

peacefareast · 10-19-2009, 08:08 AM

I have seen some great and insightful advice in this forum and would love some opinions about my situation, thanks in advance. I'm grateful!

I'm 35 year old guy, and have been with my GF for 3.5 years now, living with her for 1.5 of that time, and I have revealed that I am "not sure" about her for the future, ie, getting married, having kids etc. She is pretty set on me, and has said "I would marry you if you asked me." That pretty much put the idea in my head that I should have an answer for her, especially as we are completely honest with each other. We had a big blowup last weekend that stemmed from this instability, and we've discussed it in couples therapy (which we've been in for six months). We both have histories of abandonment in childhood (mine emotional, hers physical and more abusive) which I think was the subconsious magnet that brought us together.
I'm pretty calm at baseline and very practical, but she is a powderkeg and has a significant degree of taking things personally and having a hard time managing emotions- this has been stressful for me as I've been moving more and more towards a spiritual existence.

My ability to be sexually intimate with her hit a wall at year 1. We have kept trying different things, tantric practice, counselling, variety (not partners, situations, places) meditation, relaxation to help me get more in the mood, but it hasn't worked.
This last week we took a break- we took the week off after she said she couldn't take my "not sure about the future" stance anymore.
This last week has been trememdous as far as pressure relief for me, I feel an ease that i haven't in a while- but I feel sad as well. I haven't been able to get "deep" into the relationship, 3.5 years in. That's sad to me.

Here's the issue for me: I've been in relationships before that on the surface have been textbook, but inside I've always been blocked from a deep intimacy level, especially sexually. In the past, I've decided that it was always the girl, but I realized (in my sageness) that it has been me not allowing the intimacy. This time, it's happened again, the difference is that I am working really hard to find that ability, but it seems to be missing still. This triggers her "stuff" and she has been getting jealous and insecure more and more the last year or so.

She suggested tonight we take a longer break, so we can see if that helps, but I'm scared that its not going to help. I don't know if it's really us that's not compatible or if it's just me again, or if it's just that I'm not at that place yet. I have grown tremendously as a person able to have relationships but in each case even this one as healthy as it is, I cant get the sexual intimacy to be at a rewarding level. in fact I'm generally "checked out" or pretty numb emotionally during the experience, no matter how hard i stay present.
If I go to a fantasy (of someone else) I can stay erect but otherwise it's pretty bad.

How can I find my way into my own heart?
Do I let her go?
Do I fight to stay in it?
Is it just not time for me?
Help!
Thanks!

10-19-2009, 08:08 AM	#1 (permalink)
peacefareast Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2	Is she not the one OR am I blocked and I don't know it? HELP! I have seen some great and insightful advice in this forum and would love some opinions about my situation, thanks in advance. I'm grateful! I'm 35 year old guy, and have been with my GF for 3.5 years now, living with her for 1.5 of that time, and I have revealed that I am "not sure" about her for the future, ie, getting married, having kids etc. She is pretty set on me, and has said "I would marry you if you asked me." That pretty much put the idea in my head that I should have an answer for her, especially as we are completely honest with each other. We had a big blowup last weekend that stemmed from this instability, and we've discussed it in couples therapy (which we've been in for six months). We both have histories of abandonment in childhood (mine emotional, hers physical and more abusive) which I think was the subconsious magnet that brought us together. I'm pretty calm at baseline and very practical, but she is a powderkeg and has a significant degree of taking things personally and having a hard time managing emotions- this has been stressful for me as I've been moving more and more towards a spiritual existence. My ability to be sexually intimate with her hit a wall at year 1. We have kept trying different things, tantric practice, counselling, variety (not partners, situations, places) meditation, relaxation to help me get more in the mood, but it hasn't worked. This last week we took a break- we took the week off after she said she couldn't take my "not sure about the future" stance anymore. This last week has been trememdous as far as pressure relief for me, I feel an ease that i haven't in a while- but I feel sad as well. I haven't been able to get "deep" into the relationship, 3.5 years in. That's sad to me. Here's the issue for me: I've been in relationships before that on the surface have been textbook, but inside I've always been blocked from a deep intimacy level, especially sexually. In the past, I've decided that it was always the girl, but I realized (in my sageness) that it has been me not allowing the intimacy. This time, it's happened again, the difference is that I am working really hard to find that ability, but it seems to be missing still. This triggers her "stuff" and she has been getting jealous and insecure more and more the last year or so. She suggested tonight we take a longer break, so we can see if that helps, but I'm scared that its not going to help. I don't know if it's really us that's not compatible or if it's just me again, or if it's just that I'm not at that place yet. I have grown tremendously as a person able to have relationships but in each case even this one as healthy as it is, I cant get the sexual intimacy to be at a rewarding level. in fact I'm generally "checked out" or pretty numb emotionally during the experience, no matter how hard i stay present. If I go to a fantasy (of someone else) I can stay erect but otherwise it's pretty bad. How can I find my way into my own heart? Do I let her go? Do I fight to stay in it? Is it just not time for me? Help! Thanks!