[Narz]

Ok. I read it all. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Bitsy

I didn't actually mean my ideas for the things to do are unclear - they are clear, exactly like your suggestions. I didn't mean die or rebirth literally either. At the very least, I meant upheaval in your life (again, not necessarily literal, but at least inner upheaval), like disturbing the silt on the bottom of a river so the river gets cloudy, but afterwards the silt settles again in a different place.

I like the analogy but I feel like the silt is already stirred up. Maybe I am seeking... no, definitely I am seeking clarity. Perhaps I'm claiming to want a system but what I really want is clarity. I think I'm thinking a system, schedule, routine will give me clarity.

Originally Posted by Bitsy

Perhaps you meant you were specifically only looking for primarily physical challenges/changes, external changes. The categories of things that make life difficult and ways to do that and the aspects of life that can be made difficult seem infiinite, so I wasn't sure which category and/or way you were looking for, and now I'm not sure if my idea of what is difficult/a difficult life is even the same as yours or that of other people.

I was thinking more along the lines of chop wood/carry water (rather than just enjoying unearned warmth and H20) but I do want some degree of certainty too (I want to have to work for my keep, so to speak, but I wouldn't want to be somewhere regardless of hard work, survival was not ensured (or likely), that would just be depressing).

I've been places where I've seen mild poverty and been homeless before, I remember when I was thirteen and depressed for the first time (sent away from home, lonesome, confused) my "dorm parent" came to me and told me to snap out of it, reminding me he volunteered in a hospital with seriously screwed up (medically) kids and that I should be grateful for the health and life I had. It worked. But it doesn't work for me anymore.

Originally Posted by Bitsy

At any rate, good luck with whatever you decide .

Thanks.

I've going downtown tomorrow to immerse myself in life. It's a good ride/walk (10 miles each way) and will give me time to think.

I'm also taking a short class next weekend on permaculture.