Quote:
Originally Posted by monroe  and i dont want him to know
i just want it to go away
so i can stop crying all the time over something that i dont even know |
Your past can never go away as long as you need to keep it a secret. Secrets require your fear to keep them under wraps, so as long as you have this secret you will be afraid of everyone. So you psychologically cut yourself off from the people around you, leaving you alone and afraid with your hidden past.
What are you afraid it will mean if you don't hold this inside? Are you afraid that if you let it out then everyone will judge you based purely on the basis of having been abused? Are you afraid that everyone you love won't be able to deal with your emotions and reactions to the subject? Do you think that there's something wrong with you that this happened to you, that maybe you deserve your pain? Could the consequences of your secret becoming known be worse than the consequences of keeping it inside?
I think you keep it inside because you think you'll eventually get over it without ever having to release it to the outside world. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. As long as you hold it inside, that's where it will be. It won't just go away on its own, no matter how long you keep it under wraps. You have to let it go. Maybe that doesn't mean telling anyone, maybe it does. Either way, you must release and confront the fear of your secret getting out. You may be able to keep it private without keeping it secret, but then again you may not. You might have to find someone to relinquish your past to, not just words describing what happened but feelings also. You have to relinquish your shame, to give over responsibility and blame for what was done to you.