Originally Posted by lrose  Perhaps I'm writing this in a public forum just to get it off my chest, not really expecting an answer or solution... just another personal issue that I can't figure out. And saying/writing things 'out loud' is sometimes a way to better understand ourselves.
I'm 27 years old, don't get along with my father; have a wonderful relationship with my mother -- we're very close. Parents have been separated for about 12 years (mom & kids left dad). I was glad when we left him -- I'm the eldest of 3 children.
I would call my father a fundamentalist Christian, which no longer jives with how I choose to view the world and others. We've had many conversations/arguments/emails about how we each don't really accept the other's viewpoint. When I was growing up, he was very judgemental and controlling. So based on that, I've developed a consistent habit of not wanting to share much of my life with him because I don't want him to judge my behavior. (side note -- I'm a very well-put-together person, professional, smart, capable... nothing overtly 'wrong' with the way I live my life.) He doesn't agree with the fact that I'm living with a guy before being married, the fact that I watch mainstream movies, the fact that I don't go to church, the fact that I used to like Madonna's music...seriously.
I don't see him often, but when I do, I have a very strong physical repulsion to having to be near him -- like a panic attack. My senses are on high alert, and ,. If I had my way, I'd try to never see him again.
My siblings don't have great relationships with him, but I think they deal with it a bit better (or differently) than I do. My mom refuses to speak to him unless it has to do with the kids. Like I said, they've been separated for 12 years at least, and just a few months ago Dad finally accepted that they would not be getting back together! He has some depression issues (I do too) and probably some psychotic issues. Maybe bipolar or schizophrenic (this is what a therapist suggested -- not me) I think even his parents and siblings just tolerate his presence -- he's kind of the black sheep, socially not very adept.
My problem, to try to state it clearly: he wants to have a relationship with me. He says that we need to communicate openly and by talking more, we'll get to a place where we feel comfortable together and can be happy and share things. Like I said, I am so uncomfortable around him -- I don't respect him, don't feel that he respects me, I don't want his advice, don't want to know him. I honestly never see us having a 'normal' relationship. I'm getting married this year and don't want him at the wedding. Part of me knows I may be callous and immature in behaving this way, but the other part of me reacts so physically and strongly against having to be near him and communicate with him.
I feel like 'society' would say "He's your father, even if you don't like him, you owe him a relationship... to not include him in your life is wrong." But the other part of me says "This is unhealthy! This is not good for you...and it will never get better."
So... leaving out ALL the sordid details... that's it. I know that cutting ties with him would be incredibly painful to him, but to me, it would be wonderfully freeing. |