[Dan Carter]

Recent reports have shown that unemployment has skyrocketed in the past two weeks. Men and women, who in the past worked very long and hard hours to support the prevalent lifestyle of the nation, have simply disappeared from positions, never to be seen again.

When called by employers, they answer the phone in incredibly cheerful voices, speaking of the great time they’re having. When prompted to come back to their job, they respond with “Why would I do something like that?” Clearly something is up.

Our reporters have been working around the clock to identify the origin of this madness. Sources point towards a recent event in which a room was crammed full of people for a weekend in Las Vegas. They were led by a man who eats nothing but wild vegetation, has a psychic wife, and is controlling this entire fiasco from his home computer. He frequently hosts meeting at his house in which many participants take part in the ritual eating of wild vegetation not even slightly touched by the warm heat of a stove. He is also known to lure in unsuspecting victims with his talk of doing what you love and entrap them in the horrible display of affection known as a hug.

America, for the sake of the good of our nation and all those who live within it under the grace of God, this man must be stopped at all costs. If you see him in the streets approaching you with open arms, shout “No, I don’t want a hug” and run away quickly. You have been warned.