[Hotrox]

So, lately I've been noticing people in relationships more and more. I notice my friends trying to push the topic up with me to find my standpoint on the topic. Basically I am a solo guy, I'm an Internet Marketer, have a few close friends, stay home alot, spend most of my time on the computer, always enjoyed doing solo activities more than team based ones.

I've had a few girlfriends before and have had sex one time drunk the other didn't go so great. I'm self conscious about my looks, chubby, big boned, soft bodied, and not very athletic though I do enjoy motocross (dirtbikes), lifting weight, martial arts, and running; I'm just not consistent with any of them. This lack of consistency and commitment has effected me most of my life with friends, relationships, and school.

--- I'm just trying to get as much info out as possible to help you better understand my situation, please bear with me. ---

Basically the situation I'm in right now is that I'm starting to realize I don't like people. Most things people do just annoy me and it really makes me want to not meet anyone. I enjoy a little time with people but after that little bit of time I just want to be alone and that's when I start to get agitated the most. I think this has a big part in why I'm still single, because I figure I'd probably just get annoyed with the person if I can't get any alone time.

But then another part of me thinks I'm just covering up a possible psychological problem such as social anxiety or something. I only bring this up because the other day at the grocery store a girl came up pretty close to me while I was checking out some Dragon fruit ( pretty exotic if you haven't seen it ) and I noticed I started to get a little bit of cold sweat and I could feel my face blushing. This could also be because I've been pushing people away for the most part that I'm just uncomfortable in those situations because of lack of experience.

--- This is seriously just a jumbled tirade of thoughts. ---

Part of me wants to be in a relationship with a girl, part of me wants to be in a relationship with a guy, and the other part of me just doesn't want anything to do with anyone. I definitely spend to much time thinking, since I'm alone a lot. I think of pros and cons for every situation, over analyze and over think a lot of things around me.

I seem to put up this defense mechanism with good points in time when I will let me self be more social and meet people. Like, "When I just make this much a month I can start getting out more." or "When I lose this much weight and look like this, I'll worry about getting a girlfriend." or "When I make that much money I can buy some new clothes so at least I'll look good but wait, I should lose that weight first then buy new clothes then I'll look and feel good and nothing will stop me."

Well I feel like I've been saying that for a long time.

I really don't know... I'm so lost and confused right now and I just don't know what to do, or what I want! Any input might help!