[Narz]

I can't do it myself.

A bit about Narz.

Narz gets outside money for doing nothing. Narz is not going to stop this flow and though it is a small monthly sum, Narz can survive pretty much indefinitely on it.

Narz doesn't like to work. Jobs that is.

Narz has had a pretty stressful life but now he seems to have it made. He has a very pretty girlfriend, he doesn't have to do anything all day that he doesn't want to. He can just stay up all night and chat and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ on the Internet, play games, watch movies. He does.

He's not happy. He's moved around quite a bit, his real life social contacts are few and for various reasons (too much to get into) certain aspects of his life make meeting new friends challenging.

Dunno if you all know of the study with mice and calorie restriction. Mice who were fed less (with good nutrition) lived twice as long as mice fed normally (with equally good nutrition). Just goes to show, indulging in whatever we desire may feel good in the short term but it's not as good for us as difficulty, challenge, restraint. Not popular words in our instant gratification, fast food, mass produced, gotta have it now, consumer culture but fact is, struggle makes life worthwhile. Struggle may make men suffer but at least when they're happy they're really happy.

"Against boredom even the gods themselves struggle in vain".

I yearn for collapse sometimes (most of the time), for the economic system to collapse, for the energy grid to fail, for environmental disaster, terrorist attack. Something to wake me up and make me realize I'm alive. When it happens, will I miss the warm, safe little world I prayed would die? Perhaps, but only in the most superficial of ways. My soul will be gleeful, like Kikuchiyo upon seeing the invading bandits approaching.

It's not an easy thing to bring up to people. They get jealous. In a world with as much suffering as this one who wants to hear about a man with no responsibilities? Driven to addictions by restlessness and malaise. "Get a job" they say, forgetting that I wasn't always so "lucky", I tried the 40-hour grind. Even after I no longer had to. I'd come home after a long day and zone myself out with as many legal addictions at once as I could. Quite a drag. At least without a job I could be master of my own decay.

So then, does anyone have a grand mission for me? Shall I hike thru a mountain range with nothing but my sleeping bag, canteen and freeplay flashlight to raise money for your dying little girl? Shall I camp out up in another Redwood tree? Shall I go and kill some A-Rabs for freedom ? (just kidding, even Narz ain't that desperate, not to mention that the current war is something I'm completely opposed to.)

Seriously though. Help me make my life more difficult. And more clear. Help me decide (as Private Island Robbins notes, from decir : to cut) what to do and burn all other bridges behind me.

By the way, I'm already tried visualizing my dreams, making goals list, striving for dozens, no hundreds, of vanities. It's not my thing. I need a master to guide me, I'm a child in a man's body. But you better be wise, I'd rather serve my greedy lil' self than heed a foolish master. Please state your qualifications with your post or e-mail (ideally someone like Jackie Chan's master in one of his old-school non-American movies, making him hang upside down from a tree branch, doing situps).

Most folks I've spoken with cannot seem to understand how I feel. That I need to test myself in the world, to push myself against worthy resistance, towards a goal (a real goal not some vain token like a sports car) in order to feel like a man. But maybe some here can understand, and help me out. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain (or perhaps everything to lose from which everything I shall gain).

I'll be checking this thread .