[SpirosGyrosAU]

Hi,

I believe that I've lost all hope with the world.

All I can do is laugh at the moment but this is my story...

I've had different sorts on problems throughout my upbringing, ranging from speech problems (trouble communicating my ideas) to confidence problems (speaking to others and standing my ground as an example).

I'm in my late twenties and I believe I've lost touch with the person I used to be and right now I'm stuck with nowhere to go. I had so many dreams on different paths to take and as I get older I'm afraid that if I take the wrong path then I'll loose out on the other paths.

Right now I live far away from my family but I do intend on living with my family again as I believe it's a good thing being close to your family (even though sometimes we don't seem eye to eye on matters).

I've lost clarity when trying to say someone and I don't seem to have that spark when speaking like I used to speak (I'm not sure I ever had that spark to begin with in the first place).

I lay here every night thinking what to do with my life and wanting to better our society somehow but I know the realities on my situation is that I could be starting a family soon.

I've tried different meditation techniques into to trying to receive some clarity in finding out who I am, what I want to do with my life at this stage in my life, why do I keep finding myself in bad situations (always seems to be financial), What am I interested in? - hobbies and such, etc.

I've read two books on two famous leaders and on how they inspire others by their vision but I don't believe I'll ever be that person due to the fact on how I've been brought up in this life (with the issues that I've experienced over the years).

I work in an industry where it's very cut-throat and very political ( in a office politics sense) and I find that I'm always in the middle of it even though I try my best to do the right thing. I always see others get promoted whilst I stay in the same role. I'm all for loyalty but I'm not sure how much my loyalty can stand when I see these specific issues in my life.

My immediate family seems to be comparing me to my friends, and their friends but saying that they have built their lives (i.e. apartments, houses, etc) but I haven't built mine (due to the fact that I've lived out of home since I was 18).

My best friend also past away a couple of years ago and although I didn't appear hurt on the outside, on the inside was a different story. He died young and I thought to myself what's the point on living if you're not happy with your life when you die. Once I thought this was, I started enjoying my life at great financial expense to myself yet I'm enjoying it at the moment.
It's hard to explain this to anyone else but this is how I feel yet at the current moment, whatever I do, I don't feel great about it just in a rush of doing it to say it's done.

I've had some great financial blunders in my time with investing at the wrong time to buying property that ended up turning into a money pit. So all the money I've saved and worked for went nowhere and all I have to show for it is the experience - hurtful experience that I've endured - the only way I get through it is by laughing about it and moving on.

I'm always nice to my friends and always willing to help out with their issues yet when I was young I felt that I was being used for my skills so I can help them and since I'm far away from home I've stopped receiving any phone calls from those friends.

My vocabulary still doesn't seem to be the greatest since my last post so all in all I seem to be in a cross roads of my life (in Australia) leading to somewhere random (where I don't know about yet).

I haven't been big on politics on religion as they have never seemed to help me out when I needed them the most so I've let myself slide away from these two critical areas.

I was even thinking about studying again whilst working yet I think I might be running myself to the ground if I take this approach and I'm not even sure that I want to do the specific course as I believe the leadership within me in inept -taking charge and leading people is nowhere to be found yet I can see younger people who are stronger in these areas then me and I don't think doing a course will fix it for me).

I've tried other things like learning about other topics, in different areas (Toastmasters, History, etc) yet i can't find one that is really suited to me. I'm still yet to find my passion in my hobbies as I have no idea where or what to look at even though I've tried many things. i seem to start someone and loose interest quite easily to it and move on to something else. One reason why I've stopped is information overload with learning the same things yet differently as specific people believe that's the best approach, etc.

The only great thing in my life in my partner (my job is fine by I'm loosing my satisfaction to it due to the fact that I believe I'm becoming complacent in the role - even though I've changed roles recently). My partner seems to support me and has traveled a long way to be with me in supporting me with my work, etc. I'm scared though that the financial strain and family strain might eventually be too much and she will move away in frustration. I don't believe this will happen but the thought does cross my mind occasionally.

As you can see my thoughts are all over the place, and this is how I feel and think, randomly, so what person am I? who can I become? am I a logical person? will I have the clarity I desire? will I just be another worker in the rat race without nothing more to give to society? why are we placed on this earth if we can't find our way?

Regards,

SG