I moved back to the house where I grew up. My grandfather, who is 83, has missed and worried about me severely for several years, so he's ecstatic. Also, I have to bail my sister out of the financial mess she's created; she has the mortgage to the house (my grandfather sold it to her in a moment of panic), yet has never paid the note- meaning that my grandfather has paid $60,000 for HER house over the last 4 years.
I have the upstairs apartment where my grandparents and I used to live. My task is to clean it out, sell whatever is salable on Ebay (a great jumpstart to my store), and start renovations. I'm also helping my grandfather learn how to use the computer and go on the Internet. He's very happy, my sister is probably deeply relieved, and I'm not feeling so good about myself.
I just moved from a gorgeous, wealthy neighborhood where we didn't even lock our doors to a complete ghetto environment where we bar the doors at night. I could wander to Whole Foods and the supermarket at 9:45 PM and not even think about it; now, I have to watch my back if I leave the house at 2 PM. Plus, this house holds so many bad memories for me. It's the place where my mother died, where I was sexually abused (touched the wrong way and leered at as a child, etc), and I was driven from my home after my mother died. I always lived in fear, here, because my sister was nuts and would verbally abuse me. Therefore, I was eternally on the defensive, with very strong walls put up.
When I was in the first neighborhood, I was able to open up to abundance in such a way that I could ask for something and it would literally show up within 24 hours, with practically no exceptions. It was amazing. My life felt so blessed. Now, I'm here, and I feel just...blocked up. My meditation, once clear and easy, is now full of jumbled thoughts that are hard to put to rest. I feel like I've regressed, to a degree, but at the same time I don't, because I finally have my own place.
I'm running out of money, yet can't get my sense of self-discipline back. I'm thinking of dropping the blog because I can't get myself to write. My other site is foundering, because I'm so frustrated with trying to teach myself code, Dreamweaver, Fireworks, and Photoshop so that I get something professional-looking and credible to even sell from. I have great fiction ideas, but can't tear myself away from mindless computer fluff long enough to write them- plus, fiction won't make me immediate money, so why bother?
I'm also having issues with self-care. When I went to the store yesterday, I made myself not accept my grandfather's offer of a ride, just so I could go out on my own schedule, take my time, and go where I wanted. He's instilled a fear of my neighborhood in me since I was a child which I'm trying to get away from (I've lived in a part of Brooklyn that's way worse than where I am now), but it's hard. I got my eyebrows done yesterday, something that I used to do in the better neighborhood, and I felt so good! Yet, things like washing and getting my hair done or doing my nails are a huge chore that I stall and stall on...even though they were par for the course in the better town.
I'm definitely NOT an employee. No, no, no. You all know that
I need to make my own way, but it feels like I smacked straight into a wall. I could really use some supportive words to keep me going. Any ideas you have would be great, please.