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Originally Posted by elainevdw  Openeyes, I disagree with a lot of what you wrote. One, that spreading out your affection -- making it more scarce -- increases its quality. In most things, from painting to jogging to relationships, the value increases as you invest your undivided attention and passion to it. |
Your interpretation of what I wrote interests me. Had I gone into a bit more detail maybe it wouldn’t have seemed so offensive. Intercourse generally isn’t part of the equation. Basically I have many friendships that are very affectionate. Many of us get together at least once or twice a week and end up sharing massages (something I initially started and now everyone loves), plus we cuddle, hug a lot, and some of us may end up getting a little more serious. In addition to those half dozen or so friends, when I have time I see one or two girls per DAY, many new, others that I’ve been hanging out with for years. In many cases it can get fairly affectionate, in other cases we mostly enjoy talking and being close to each other.
Intercourse is something I rarely pursue, in large part for the reason you mentioned: it’s very serious. It brings up many potential complications and often isn’t worth it, particularly in noncommitted relationships. As for the “intense, lingering emotional attachment”, that’s mostly how I was up until a few years ago, when I vastly broadened my interests. I’ve largely avoided monogamous relationships since then, and generally feel much better as a result.
Everyone has their issues, and I simply try to do whatever is most functional for me. I also know exactly what you mean about wanting to commit suicide if you always felt such intense attachment. That’s why I avoid it. Instead I largely focus on building many close friendships, which so far has been very fulfilling as I find myself able to genuinely brighten the lives of others while also enjoying myself. I don’t see why that would be so objectionable.
Also, as for my comment about a person needing to be “perfect” for monogamy, I was discussing the ideal of “the one”, the person who fits you perfectly. People often fall for one person and then meet someone else who interests them, and feel they have to leave the first person in order to make room for the next. Instead, I now feel free to have many people in my life who fit different aspects of who I am.
If one person I’ve been involved with does choose to move on, there are many others I can still be with. Like having multiple streams of income, one can have multiple streams of love/kindness. As detailed in the two books I’d mentioned in my prior post, it seems that many people are following the same line of thought. Best of luck to you Elaine and thanks for caring enough to reply, even though you didn’t quite care for my particular views.