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elainevdw · 02-13-2007, 03:14 AM

Thank you, Scott, for your response, which was well-rounded and mature -- much like yourself, I would imagine.

Question for you: How do you justify putting Kim through that pain? If I was making my partner miserable and they chose to stay with me anyway, I'd have a difficult decision to make. Do I find some way to change my habits so I don't hurt him? Or do I have the courage to hurt him temporarily by breaking up with him, so that he can be happy in the long run? Letting him stay miserable isn't an option for me.

Openeyes, I disagree with a lot of what you wrote. One, that spreading out your affection -- making it more scarce -- increases its quality. In most things, from painting to jogging to relationships, the value increases as you invest your undivided attention and passion to it.

Also, the intense, lingering emotional attachment you describe sounds very difficult. In fact, it sounds like you use polyamory as a coping strategy for something akin to manic-depressive disorder? I used to regret the mellowing out of an intense budding romance -- but now I realize that, if I felt that intensity 24-7, I'd probably want to commit suicide!

I was very taken aback by your statement that monogomous people expect their partners to be perfect, and to fulfill every aspect of their relationship. I'm not even sure how to approach that one. An intimate relationship consists of friendship, romance, and commitment. And yes, it's perfectly natural to supplement your romantic friendship with other friendships -- if, say, your partner doesn't like dirtbiking but you do, if they don't like chick flicks but you do. However, having diverse hobbies makes you more interesting to your partner. Having a diverse sex life with each other makes you both interesting as well -- but having a diverse sex circle? That's an opening for heartbreak. I'd rather explore my sexual boundaries safely with my partner than supplement them outside our relationship.

Granted, my outlook hinges on two key points:

I believe that romance and intimacy cause pain. Joy, too, but more often pain. You don't even have to be having sex with someone to experience heartache. Therefore, you should take romance and sex very seriously, out of concern for the emotional well-being of your intimate relationship(s). People like you, Scott, obviously take it very seriously. However, I have to wonder if you have an idealized view of the world, where women don't necessarily have to be hurt by a polyamorous relationship. I think it's biological -- women bond with the people they have sex with, and that only increases as the relationship matures. So of course they're going to find polyamory difficult.

I'm also not particularly touchy feely. I crave hugs from family and intimacy with my partner, and yes, I go into touch deprivation if I don't get these things very frequently. However, I don't normally hug even my closest friends... let alone have sex with them! So a serious polyamorous lifestyle is as foreign to me as the concept of collegiate sleeping around.

Thanks for trying to help me understand, but I'm still not right with the concept.

02-13-2007, 03:14 AM	#24 (permalink)
elainevdw Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Reno/Tahoe, NV, USA Posts: 375	Thank you, Scott, for your response, which was well-rounded and mature -- much like yourself, I would imagine. Question for you: How do you justify putting Kim through that pain? If I was making my partner miserable and they chose to stay with me anyway, I'd have a difficult decision to make. Do I find some way to change my habits so I don't hurt him? Or do I have the courage to hurt him temporarily by breaking up with him, so that he can be happy in the long run? Letting him stay miserable isn't an option for me. Openeyes, I disagree with a lot of what you wrote. One, that spreading out your affection -- making it more scarce -- increases its quality. In most things, from painting to jogging to relationships, the value increases as you invest your undivided attention and passion to it. Also, the intense, lingering emotional attachment you describe sounds very difficult. In fact, it sounds like you use polyamory as a coping strategy for something akin to manic-depressive disorder? I used to regret the mellowing out of an intense budding romance -- but now I realize that, if I felt that intensity 24-7, I'd probably want to commit suicide! I was very taken aback by your statement that monogomous people expect their partners to be perfect, and to fulfill every aspect of their relationship. I'm not even sure how to approach that one. An intimate relationship consists of friendship, romance, and commitment. And yes, it's perfectly natural to supplement your romantic friendship with other friendships -- if, say, your partner doesn't like dirtbiking but you do, if they don't like chick flicks but you do. However, having diverse hobbies makes you more interesting to your partner. Having a diverse sex life with each other makes you both interesting as well -- but having a diverse sex circle? That's an opening for heartbreak. I'd rather explore my sexual boundaries safely with my partner than supplement them outside our relationship. Granted, my outlook hinges on two key points: I believe that romance and intimacy cause pain. Joy, too, but more often pain. You don't even have to be having sex with someone to experience heartache. Therefore, you should take romance and sex very seriously, out of concern for the emotional well-being of your intimate relationship(s). People like you, Scott, obviously take it very seriously. However, I have to wonder if you have an idealized view of the world, where women don't necessarily have to be hurt by a polyamorous relationship. I think it's biological -- women bond with the people they have sex with, and that only increases as the relationship matures. So of course they're going to find polyamory difficult. I'm also not particularly touchy feely. I crave hugs from family and intimacy with my partner, and yes, I go into touch deprivation if I don't get these things very frequently. However, I don't normally hug even my closest friends... let alone have sex with them! So a serious polyamorous lifestyle is as foreign to me as the concept of collegiate sleeping around. Thanks for trying to help me understand, but I'm still not right with the concept.