You're not deluding yourself.
Consider this. Basically every wise person in all of history who has found happiness has attested to certain basic facts.
One of the most common things they tell us is that the way you treat others, you are treating yourself that way. So when you're kind to other, they feel good about that, and you get to share in that good feeling.
It's not a zero-sum game, it's a win-win situation to serve others. The more you forget yourself and work to serve others, the more blissful and happy you feel.
Literally thousands upon thousands of saints throughout history have attested to this fact. A little experimentation and observation (as you have done) confirm their findings.
Stop doubting and trust the evidence you've seen, and trust the testimony of countless other. Start living that way.
Subjective reality is a tarpit if it causes you to doubt what is right in front of your own eyes. Steve's concept of subjective reality is meant to liberate you to follow your own experience, not meant as an excuse to reject your own experience.
Look at the logical contradiction you're making - on one hand you lament, "What if my experiences are just subjective and not objective, then they must be false."
Do you see how this is inherently self-contradictory? If you truly believed in subjective reality, then there would be no objective goal to judge your subjectivity against. You are clearly displaying to me that you in fact believe in an objective reality, but are using the rationalization of "subjective reality" to reject the things you've observed.
If you are able to dispassionately analyze the logic of your statement you'll see it contains an inherent contradiction. If there is no objective reality, then there is nothing for you to compare against, and your subjective experience is definitive and should not be doubted. If there is an objective reality, then your observations are of that reality and you must conform your thinking to that reality.
So either way, your only logical choice is to accept your observations about kindness.
The reason you've suffered for 3 years is because you've been violating the laws of objective reality. One of the laws of the universe is that you get back what you dish out. So if you dish out unhappiness, you receive unhappiness. Has your life not attested to this fact?
No matter how much you disbelieve in this fundamental law, it still exists, and it still works in your life.
For how long must you observe the law of karma in action before you decide that it is real, and that the testimony of those many millions was correct all along?
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