Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post

Gozunn · 08-14-2009, 03:25 PM

Hi there,

I can't really say I know what you're going through because I haven't experienced those same circumstances but maybe I do know to some extent.

In my earlier teens I didn't go out much and due to certain social inexperience it was hard to get myself in a 'stable' position where I would be able to blend in with society. Anyways I won't bore you with any of this; the problem I realized was my mindset .

In my scenario I was trying too hard to be like everyone else, and the more I tried the more I faltered. Then one day I took some time to notice what 'socially successful' people (if such a term exists) had in common. And it hit me, they didn't have a need to be like everyone else similar to many insecure people, they just went and acted themselves.

The thing of it is, if you're attempting this: Stop trying to fit in and focus on standing out. Be free, enjoy every interaction you make instead of trying so hard to decipher what other people's perception of you is. Make new connections and chat freely with everyone you meet, yes even the guy at the counter who you just bought something from and you'll probably never even see again.

the secret is to express not to impress.

Don't live life by the 'rules', instead seek out the best and most interesting path. Why would you want a partner? To keep you company and to have someone who loves you and satisfy you? Sure, I understand that craving but its basically the root of neediness. And that's the one thing that's not going to help you or any other male when it comes to women. Instead look at the people in your life and say to yourself: 'what can I give to them?' Believe it or not, helping someone else is the easiest way to solving your own problems (in fact RIGHT NOW i'm solving my own problem by attempting to help you, SO thanks!)

Women are insecure in ways you can't possibly imagine, what you have to do is find ways to make their life better. Approach women you don't know, sure it can be a drag if you're rejected but who cares! Who gives a crap? As long as you're putting yourself out there in a genuine care-free way people will help you and will appreciate you.

As for parties? You want to go to a party? Then just go! You're going alone you say? Who cares! Just go alone and try and meet some new people (don't be the guy that stands by some wall for an hour before he leaves cause that's no fun at all). Approach everything with enthusiasm and energy and you'll go far my friend. Stop thinking about what other people have experienced and stop focusing on the negative points in your life, instead think of positive influences in your life and try and live in the moment.

My advice would be to constantly put yourself in a situation where you're bound to interact with people. Don't try and seek peace in a secluded spot but rather go find the most crowded place and meet some new people, don't even give a damn about what you're going to say just say the first thing that pops into your head (as long as its not offensive).

Uni is a place where you can easily make friends too, just focus on having a good time and if there are certain people that make you feel negatively about yourself just don't see them anymore!

I'm not saying it will be easy, changing your mindset can be very hard (there's an article about it on stevepavlina but I can't be bothered to find it). Its an uphill battle; trust me I know and it will be even harder for you because you're in a much worse position than I was. I know I'm not being very encouraging but persist on and learn from your mistakes. When you finally get somewhere you'll be better than all your colleagues.

Take it as if life has given you a challenge and if you overcome it you will be rewarded to a better position than your peers.

Another important thing to remember and one that my father has always preached is: 'you're second to none', don't ever let anybody get you down but as an extension to that, don't ever try and make someone else feel down to boost your own self-esteem, it won't help you make any friends.

Remember:
Express don't impress.

As for women, well i'm going to reference you to one guy who I know will inspire your way of thinking:

Zan Perrion.

It is no surprise that I heard his name mentioned when Steve started his polyamory project. The guy is marvellous; he's not like all the other 'dating gurus' who focus on getting into a woman's pants (and who are utterly unhelpful), read his stuff at Zan Perrion - Way of Attraction and I'm sure he'll help you even in the most miniscule way.

Anyways I'm not saying that my advice is gold, I'm just saying that I was in a similar situation to yours and I've just described how I overcame such problems.

Good luck and don't let life get you down!!!

08-14-2009, 03:25 PM	#4 (permalink)
Gozunn Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 42	Hi there, I can't really say I know what you're going through because I haven't experienced those same circumstances but maybe I do know to some extent. In my earlier teens I didn't go out much and due to certain social inexperience it was hard to get myself in a 'stable' position where I would be able to blend in with society. Anyways I won't bore you with any of this; the problem I realized was my mindset . In my scenario I was trying too hard to be like everyone else, and the more I tried the more I faltered. Then one day I took some time to notice what 'socially successful' people (if such a term exists) had in common. And it hit me, they didn't have a need to be like everyone else similar to many insecure people, they just went and acted themselves. The thing of it is, if you're attempting this: Stop trying to fit in and focus on standing out. Be free, enjoy every interaction you make instead of trying so hard to decipher what other people's perception of you is. Make new connections and chat freely with everyone you meet, yes even the guy at the counter who you just bought something from and you'll probably never even see again. the secret is to express not to impress. Don't live life by the 'rules', instead seek out the best and most interesting path. Why would you want a partner? To keep you company and to have someone who loves you and satisfy you? Sure, I understand that craving but its basically the root of neediness. And that's the one thing that's not going to help you or any other male when it comes to women. Instead look at the people in your life and say to yourself: 'what can I give to them?' Believe it or not, helping someone else is the easiest way to solving your own problems (in fact RIGHT NOW i'm solving my own problem by attempting to help you, SO thanks!) Women are insecure in ways you can't possibly imagine, what you have to do is find ways to make their life better. Approach women you don't know, sure it can be a drag if you're rejected but who cares! Who gives a crap? As long as you're putting yourself out there in a genuine care-free way people will help you and will appreciate you. As for parties? You want to go to a party? Then just go! You're going alone you say? Who cares! Just go alone and try and meet some new people (don't be the guy that stands by some wall for an hour before he leaves cause that's no fun at all). Approach everything with enthusiasm and energy and you'll go far my friend. Stop thinking about what other people have experienced and stop focusing on the negative points in your life, instead think of positive influences in your life and try and live in the moment. My advice would be to constantly put yourself in a situation where you're bound to interact with people. Don't try and seek peace in a secluded spot but rather go find the most crowded place and meet some new people, don't even give a damn about what you're going to say just say the first thing that pops into your head (as long as its not offensive). Uni is a place where you can easily make friends too, just focus on having a good time and if there are certain people that make you feel negatively about yourself just don't see them anymore! I'm not saying it will be easy, changing your mindset can be very hard (there's an article about it on stevepavlina but I can't be bothered to find it). Its an uphill battle; trust me I know and it will be even harder for you because you're in a much worse position than I was. I know I'm not being very encouraging but persist on and learn from your mistakes. When you finally get somewhere you'll be better than all your colleagues. Take it as if life has given you a challenge and if you overcome it you will be rewarded to a better position than your peers. Another important thing to remember and one that my father has always preached is: 'you're second to none', don't ever let anybody get you down but as an extension to that, don't ever try and make someone else feel down to boost your own self-esteem, it won't help you make any friends. Remember: Express don't impress. As for women, well i'm going to reference you to one guy who I know will inspire your way of thinking: Zan Perrion. It is no surprise that I heard his name mentioned when Steve started his polyamory project. The guy is marvellous; he's not like all the other 'dating gurus' who focus on getting into a woman's pants (and who are utterly unhelpful), read his stuff at Zan Perrion - Way of Attraction and I'm sure he'll help you even in the most miniscule way. Anyways I'm not saying that my advice is gold, I'm just saying that I was in a similar situation to yours and I've just described how I overcame such problems. Good luck and don't let life get you down!!!