[JacksEarth]

Yup, ANOTHER thread. I do this out of curtesy though, didn't wanna steal anyone elses thread..

I.. had (notice pretense) Lots of goals and was very hyped about them.
I was gonna 'Make life happen', because I don't believe that you can just lay back and something will happen... I tried for 18years and ended up miserable haha.
(Although I keep seeing evidence of people just not having to do **** and yet they prosper completely.. ask them how and they say "Just do it!" so you do and fail miserably, you ask them what went wrong and they say "You're just unlucky".. Pricks, pisses me off)
Anyway.. For 2years now I've actively been working on self development and a few days ago I realized, I've come NOWHERE.
I haven't learned ****, done anything or progressed anywhere.
I was just completely deluded for about 2years.

I've gone back to my old self, no motivation, no drive, no goals, no nothing.
I read a thread a couple of days ago that someone asked "Why don't you kill yourself?" And the answer would be your purpose, or a clue to what your purpose was. The only answer I can think of, as well as the first thing that popped into my head was "I'm afraid of pain" Because.. there is no suicide method that is painless, apart from maybe taking sleeping pills and have someone inject poison into your veins.

I'm a painter, although I've lost all will to paint as well.. It's just something I do for no reason now, feels more like a chore. Actually everything feels like a chore, Sleeping is like a damn chore with a really nice side-effect, I get to be in my own world.

Now.. thats my life story, So sorry for explaining it.. tried to keep it short.
Writing things on paper makes you feel good, but doesnt last long.
And certainly doesn't make it anymore real.
Intention manifestation works to a certain degree, Think about someone and that someone will show up one way or another, mostly through hearing their name when someone refers to another with the same name.

Thinking positive just becomes a hassle and turns into a chore where its not positive thinking anymore.

I'm tired constantly, cant focus, my head is just filled with noise, I listen to loud screaming music to relax, it is like going to a spa or something, I just feel at ease when I cant hear myself think.. not that I can anyway, its just noise.

I'm stressed constantly while not doing a single damn thing..

SO SORRY but I've sunk to the bottom once again and I don't know what to do.. people around me are getting seriously pissed off and tired of me aswell.

Heh, funny paradox. I'm bored 24/7, Now boredom is a sign of High intelligence and Creativity. I've pretty much slept through school and never studied, yet achieved great grades.
I paint and am interested in creative things. It's a sign of lack of stimulating challenges, nothing feels like a challenge, if it is a challenge I dont wanna do it because it's boring. No sparks.
I've read most of Steves blog posts and done every single step he advice. Which temporarely lead to great confidence and motivation.. only to end in failure and dissapointment. "Hang in there" I kept telling my self.. well I'm tired..