If what you wrote in your OP is correct, you haven't even tried to open your sexual life with Beta. In fact, you say you actively hide your sexual desires from her, out of fear. Why on Earth would you do that? Well, I understand why one would be reluctant to share "weirdness" in the beginning of a relationship - fear of judgment or rejection. But keeping at it for years? You need to learn to discuss and open up with real life people. I know it's a difficult, lengthy and sometimes painful process. But you will not be able to have a fulfilling relationship if you are unable to share what you truly desire and what bugs you, "normal" or not, sexual or otherwise.
Even if things don't work out with B. this time, you are setting yourself for the exact same failure in your next relationship if you don't learn to open up.
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