Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Thinking it was the right thing to do, but still having post-breakup trauma (HELP)

moonshooter · 08-12-2009, 03:29 AM

Thank you for taking the time to read this, because i have a lot on my mind... .
So the situation I am dealing with here is I was with this guy for 10 months. We had our ups and downs but deep down inside, I knew that I couldnt see myself marrying him. Not that the marriage topic came up, but it's something most people think to themselves in the early part of any relationship (right?). Regardless, I tried to live in the here and now and enjoy what we had. We had a lot of good memories. We talked several times everyday. And he is a good guy. He would come and visit me at work every once in awhile. He did sweet things for me sometimes. We just had a lot of quality time together. But there were a lot of things I felt we were never compatible with. In the end, our biggest problems were my short-temperness and his lack of communication (or what i thought at times to be inconsideration). I remember one time after paintballing, we were headed to in-n-out because he wanted a shake. i was dead tired and slightly hungry from playing in the sun so i asked him to get me some animal fries as well (i stayed in the car). He told me only if the total was under $5. He came out with just his shake and nothing for me. He had his credit card and plus $20 i had given him earlier that morning for paintballing, but his excuse was that he didnt like to charge his credit card for little things and that he didn't want to break a $20 for things under $5. That is just one example of the many issues we had.
Anyway I eventually got very mad at him a few weeks ago and just had enough and broke up with him. I regretted that I had made such a haste decision in anger and I asked if we could just take a break instead. He said it was done and though I was very upset, he did not budge, saying he didnt see things long term with me. The next day however, he called to say that he still wanted to continue things. I told him that we needed a break and that things were too emotional now. A few days later, we talked and he decided things were better off as friends. I agreed although at the time, I was still willing to take things again slowly. At the same time, I had played with the idea of just being friends with him several times throughout our relationship. We hung out for the first time this past weekend. It was nice and friendly at first, but then we fell into old patterns and almost slept together. He told me he hadn't changed his mind and it felt like everything we had (the good, bad, and ugly) was almost being reduced down to a booty call. He left this past weekend to his job a couple hours away and we haven't talked since.
I feel like writing this tells me the obvious. That the relationship wasn't meant to be. But I am still hurting very deeply right now. I feel a lot of it because of my anger and short-temperness. Maybe I am too emotional. It's been 3 weeks since we broke up and I am still feeling depressed every once in awhile. I genuinely dont want to lose him as a friend and as well because his friends have become my core friends this past year. Im stuck. When a guy tells you he doesn't see things long-term with you, that should be enough cause to walk away right? I mean he obviously doesn't care about me the way he used to. Then what am I holding onto? I feel I might be afraid of singlehood, but at the same time... what if this entire breakup was a mistake? I just need some guidance. Should I cut him out completely for the time being? Should I just pretend that being friends is perfectly fine? I dont know anymore, but it's starting to affect my work and my depression fluctuates a lot. So any help would really be much appreciated.

08-12-2009, 03:29 AM	#1 (permalink)
moonshooter Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Davis Posts: 62	Thinking it was the right thing to do, but still having post-breakup trauma (HELP) Thank you for taking the time to read this, because i have a lot on my mind... . So the situation I am dealing with here is I was with this guy for 10 months. We had our ups and downs but deep down inside, I knew that I couldnt see myself marrying him. Not that the marriage topic came up, but it's something most people think to themselves in the early part of any relationship (right?). Regardless, I tried to live in the here and now and enjoy what we had. We had a lot of good memories. We talked several times everyday. And he is a good guy. He would come and visit me at work every once in awhile. He did sweet things for me sometimes. We just had a lot of quality time together. But there were a lot of things I felt we were never compatible with. In the end, our biggest problems were my short-temperness and his lack of communication (or what i thought at times to be inconsideration). I remember one time after paintballing, we were headed to in-n-out because he wanted a shake. i was dead tired and slightly hungry from playing in the sun so i asked him to get me some animal fries as well (i stayed in the car). He told me only if the total was under $5. He came out with just his shake and nothing for me. He had his credit card and plus $20 i had given him earlier that morning for paintballing, but his excuse was that he didnt like to charge his credit card for little things and that he didn't want to break a $20 for things under $5. That is just one example of the many issues we had. Anyway I eventually got very mad at him a few weeks ago and just had enough and broke up with him. I regretted that I had made such a haste decision in anger and I asked if we could just take a break instead. He said it was done and though I was very upset, he did not budge, saying he didnt see things long term with me. The next day however, he called to say that he still wanted to continue things. I told him that we needed a break and that things were too emotional now. A few days later, we talked and he decided things were better off as friends. I agreed although at the time, I was still willing to take things again slowly. At the same time, I had played with the idea of just being friends with him several times throughout our relationship. We hung out for the first time this past weekend. It was nice and friendly at first, but then we fell into old patterns and almost slept together. He told me he hadn't changed his mind and it felt like everything we had (the good, bad, and ugly) was almost being reduced down to a booty call. He left this past weekend to his job a couple hours away and we haven't talked since. I feel like writing this tells me the obvious. That the relationship wasn't meant to be. But I am still hurting very deeply right now. I feel a lot of it because of my anger and short-temperness. Maybe I am too emotional. It's been 3 weeks since we broke up and I am still feeling depressed every once in awhile. I genuinely dont want to lose him as a friend and as well because his friends have become my core friends this past year. Im stuck. When a guy tells you he doesn't see things long-term with you, that should be enough cause to walk away right? I mean he obviously doesn't care about me the way he used to. Then what am I holding onto? I feel I might be afraid of singlehood, but at the same time... what if this entire breakup was a mistake? I just need some guidance. Should I cut him out completely for the time being? Should I just pretend that being friends is perfectly fine? I dont know anymore, but it's starting to affect my work and my depression fluctuates a lot. So any help would really be much appreciated.