[loveandfear]

Hi everyone,

i thought i might raise an issue which is quite a big part of my life but i try to keep it to the back of my mind at all times. but it still disturbs me because its something i still think a lot about, rather, think about her, and the relationship we had.

basically, im 22 now, when i was 16 i started going out with a girl i met when i joined a new school. it was a great time because i 'fell in love' i had a lot of new friends (i had a difficult school life before this) and so at the new school i felt like mr.popular and mr.successful, the girl i was with was very beautiful and a very good person and popular, but from the start i was unfaithful and cheated on her (something which i feel upset, mad, guilty and bad about to this day- that i ruined our relationship)..

anyway, we went out for 3 and a half years in total, from 16-19...we were very close, best friends, i never really had any good friends or close mates before that so when she came along she became everything all in one, it was very special in a way and we were so together, but....all the while, there was this other side to me....i was cheating on her, i didnt understand that my cheating was ruining everything, (or maybe i did understand but just chose to ignore it), and when i did do something naughty like kiss another girl or sometimes sleep with other girls i didnt tell her, i would lie to her. basically, the reason why i did cheat was because i was excited by any attention from women, i was thirsty for love/lust and just a young guy really, quite excited by it all....but obviously it was something awful, to be lying and cheating on someone who gave me so much honest love and sincerety, and i pretended to give the same back.......but soon enough the bubble burst when i went to university when i was 19

i feel like ive grown a lot since the relationship ended, ive learnt so much about myself, been in therapy, group therapy, done so much thinking, but also a lot of beating my self up because i still miss my ex girlfriend so much, as in having that special person- the emotional, sexual, intimacy of it, just someone i could love and who loved me in such a beautiful way, it was young, first love.....but then again i didnt understand what love was really if i cheated on her......and i never want to do anything like it again, i want to make sure the next person is someone i dont hurt, or cause pain, why did i do things that hurt her, that ruined our relationship?....

the point is im almost 23 now, ive been single for such a long time it feels, i havnt met anyone who half compares to my ex-girlfriend and between 19-22 i just have been getting drunk a lot and having a lot of horrible casual sex which has got me nowhere and developped no real true relationships with women, only worsened my life in general really. since finsihing university, i am pleased to say i am now not drinking and havnt drunk alcohol for 6 weeks, and i plan to continue drinking alcohol as rarely as possible, because it does nothing good for me, i have realised...

i would really like some advice from people about what they think i should do, what do i need to move forward from this girl who i still think about, dream about, adore, love, put on a pedestal and compare all other girls to....i also think i may have a lot of built up anger/rage towards her (even though i was the one who was pretty much awful) because towards the end of our relationship she found someone and started a new relationship....which kind of messed me up as well, made me even more devestated and insecure...but im sure at least she is having a 'healthy relationship' now....rather than what i gave her.....but it made me mad/angry/envious none the less...

i just would really appreciate some wise words on love, ive read a lot of self-help books and books about love and relationships, but its good hearing of actual experiences other people have had and how they managed to move forwards....


im sorry for this really long message.....i look forward to your responses...

love to you all.

loveandfear