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Originally Posted by Viceguy  I want to be with Anne but I'm afraid the real thing could never live up to the huge fantasy we have built around it. |
BINGO!
I have been in your shoes before. Met a girl on the net, thought she was my soulmate, went to meet her after months of seriously intense seuxual IMs and phone conversations and....the sex SUCKED.
And then I realized a few things.
1. The internet (and even phone conversation) are really "one-sided" as far as impressions go. What I mean by that is, it's really easy to think you've met your soulmate on the net because, well, YOU FILL IN THE GAPS THAT ARE MISSING WITH PARTS OF YOURSELF. Understand that internet/phone relationships and real life relationships are two completely different animals. All the things you don't see and get to physically feel about this girl, just know that you are replacing those things with parts of yourself. So it feels like you have this really deep connection (because she's doing the same thing), when the reality is that you are just in love with the parts of yourself that you are projecting into the gaps.
2. The impossibility of the situation adds fuel to the emotions. When the relationship is impossible (you can't be together because of distance), it makes the desire more intense because not only do you have normal feelings, but you also have no way to release those desires and feelings and they build up inside of you, causing them to compound over time. Right before I met the girl I met, I felt like I was going to explode. And the trip was like one long dispersel of feelings/sexual tension.
3. Feeling like your soulmate is somewhere just out of your reach at all times is a good litmus for something in you. You are attracted to girls who are emotionally unavailable to you. Figure out what that is.
4. Blunt time..."Anne" sounds like an attention whore. And she's probably got 5 other guys that are her "soulmate" lined up right along with you. Come on, man, when a girl is really into you and loves/likes you, she will MAKE HERSELF AVAILABLE TO YOU. Not string you along. Not try to work things out with some boyfriend she has. No, when she's into you, she'll become available to you. Period. (Was that blunt enough?
Sorry, but I've been there chief. And I know, I know, this is "different', not the "same situation at all"...spare me that stuff, man. )
Quote:
Originally Posted by Viceguy But I don't want to leave Beta. I don't want to lose her. I love her and I can't bear the thought of hurting her. Although perversely if the relationship were to end through no fault of my own and no heartbreak of hers then I'm not sure I'd feel to terrible about it.
My short-term plan is to stay with Beta and see if I can gradually impress my sexuality on her. I've made efforts before though and I think when it comes to sex a bird can't change his feathers. I'm not sure that either me or Anne can ever be fully satisfied with our current partners.
We scored a 4 on the dice. Dare we roll again? |
Now onto "Beta."
First and foremost, if you have any inentions of ever making it work with Beta, then you need to TELL HER EVERYTHING. Tell her what you've been doing with Anne behind her back. Come clean. In fact, why don't you just show her this thread?
But I ask you this...why on earth would you want to stay with someone you don't "feel" it for? Why settle? I've been THERE too (with my marriage) and I settled with the girl I wasn't really into (but came to love over time), and 4 hellish years of marriage later I got a divorce.
If you want my opinion (and I'm sure you don't want to hear this), but in my opinion, you should put both Anne AND Beta out of your life (Anne because she's nuts and Beta because she deserves to be with a man who wants her completely, not just half-heartedly) and go find someone (in real life) who makes you happy, deal with whatever issues are causing you to latch onto emotionally unavailable women, and go from there.